10 Solid Predictions for Bears vs. Packers

10 Solid Predictions for Bears vs. Packers

When the Bears and Packers meet for the 185th time on Thursday it will mark the 185th occurrence of 'unabashed meatballery' to strike Chicago.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

The Bears and Packers have met every season since 1921 (except the strike-shortened 1982 campaign).  This doesn't beg me to wax poetic about the rivalry...it actually begs me to ask what the hell people did before the start of the NFL in 1920?  Millions of Americans were working in excess of 60 hours per week, trying to keep their families fed, and only had the relief of baseball.  In the winter, I can only presume that once college football ended men were forced to do terrible things: listen to their wives talk about their day, play with their kids, and maybe even join a church group.  (Shuddering in fear)

Thank God we don't live in such times.  Today, we get to focus on important things...like a game that should determine the future of western civilization.

Here are some quick predictions for Thursday's game:

10.  Over/Under on women weighing over 300 pounds at Lambeau Field sits at 4,625

If Lambeau is considered sacred to Packers fanatics, then maybe some female Packer backers should think of fasting three hours prior to communion/kickoff.  Keep in mind that fasting in Packerese means 'three beers, one brat, and a scoop of dip'.  I won't hold my breath.

9.  TV commentators will comment about how 'You can't hate Aaron Rodgers!  You have to love this guy!'

No.  No, I don't.  As a matter of fact, Rodgers' gestures to Bears fans in the 2010 NFC Title Game went widely un-criticized.  You want to do your discount-double check/I wear the championship belt taunting?  Really?  Humble much?  Maybe all of those years around Favre made Rodgers think that being an arrogant SOB is okay as long as your have 'QB' as your position.  No...no TV guys...no, I don't have to like him.

8. TV commentators will talk about the 'collegiate-like atmosphere' at Lambeau Field

I'm confused...is this something to be proud about?  The only places that boast of a college-like atmosphere are...well...big college football programs in the middle of nowhere.  These are usually programs infested with redneck fans that have nothing to live for but their team's success or failure.  So...apparently Packers fans are on par with followers of the Crimson Tide or LSU Tigers?  This is a positive?  They have chants and some lame ass bass-line that prompts a 'Go Pack Go!' chant.  Oh, those Packers fans!  They're so great!  You just have to love them!

7.  Packers players will celebrate first downs and routine tackles like sacks and touchdowns

Outside of the New Orleans Saints, no team gloats or has more on-field bravado than the Green Bay Packers.  BUT, since they're the Packers, (You know, the home of Father Football), nothing is made of it.  This is a team that made the 'Packer Sweep' famous.  The same team that saw Willie Davis make a sack, and casually walk back to the line for his next play.  The team of Lambeau and Lombardi.  A franchise of pure class...until the 1980's. Nowadays, you can guarantee a Clay Matthews pose, some overwhelming celebrations after stopping the run on a 1st and 10, or some pointing after a routine first down.  Say what you will about the Bears, but they've played with more class under Lovie Smith than the Packers have over the past eight seasons.

6.  The Bears defensive backfield will get burned for long touchdowns on three different occasions

A young defensive backfield without Peanut Tillman?  Jennings or not, this is bad news.  I plan on seeing the back of Chris Conti more than once.  Nothing against Conti...it's just that we're dealing with a smart quarterback against a young defensive backfield.  Be prepared for the 'Vestee Jackson Special'; that's when you spend the majority of a game looking at a DB's back rather than his front.  By the way, if you can read this Vestee...you suck.  Maybe you want to stop Jerry Rice on that slant---oh, wait, he's gone.  #1988NFCTitleGame

5.  60 Minutes will not be delayed on the west coast

Phew!  Don't have to worry about this since we're watching the game on the NFL Network.  I hate to see Charlie Rose get pushed back for his riveting interview with a random ambassador to Barbados.

4.  Bears fan stupidity will reign supreme on sports talk shows on Friday

Win or lose, 'Beardom' will be overreacting to a Game 2 result.  If the Bears win, it doesn't clinch the playoffs in a tough NFC North.  If the Packers win, it doesn't mean that they're headed for the Super Bowl.  Just pretend that each season is an onion with 16 layers.  After this game, we'll be 1/8 through the onion...the only question is if this newly cut onion will create tears or be deliciously added to a mustard-infested Chicago dog.  Let's hope for the latter.

3. If the Packers lose the game it will be because of the referees

"Now, come on..." you say.  I get it, I get it.  The missed/unfortunate calls in Sunday's game against San Francisco were inexcusable.  BUT, to insinuate (as many Packers fans have) that the Packers lost because of the referees is ridiculous.  We get it...replacement refs stink...but it was the San Francisco 49ers that proved on Sunday that they're the best team in the NFC.  Moreover, Packers fans should be worried that they still would've lost even if calls went their way.  This means that even at their best (at home), that they don't belong in the championship conversation with the Niners.  Just saying...be prepared.

2.  I will consume vast amounts of fried food

I eat fairly well, but in honor of the great people of Wisconsin (yes, they're still good people despite their faults) I will be diving into many delicious fried foods.  Cheese sticks, chicken, peppers...amongst bratwurst and hot dogs, of course.  Paramedics in the Elmwood Park vicinity...you have been warned.

1. I will be watching the game on delay

Yes, I am a father before I am a fan.  The hours of the first half will be spent giving my two children baths, getting them dressed, and reading various children's books.  Amidst the crack of pads, I will be reading Thomas the Tank Engine, Curious George...and if all goes right, 'The Little Blue Truck".  What can I say?  I like making animal noises.

So, my game will start around 9 p.m.  So, when J'Marcus Webb allows a Packer defender to decapitate Jay Cutler...please don't text or call.  I can't be disturbed.  Despite all the jabbering from both sides, we still have more important things in life.

Surprise Prediction: Packers 30, Bears 24...don't worry, I have the Bears beating them in the NFC Title Game.  ;)

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