Theo Epstein's meeting with Cubs scouts that were released early yesterday:
"Hey guys, thanks for coming in. Mmm. God, this coffee is solid. Ah! Yeah, this coffee is awesome. It's a Keurig. Oh, by the way, you're fired. It isn't the sweet scent of the hazelnut flavor or the strong arabica beans...it's actually the purity of the water that makes the perfect cup. An always clean filter. Yeah, so, you guys are still doing the whole 'eye test' thing with your scouting. That may have worked under the fatman, but he's gone now, so...really sorry about this...Wow. The taste never ends. I put just a dash of french vanilla creamer inside. Just adds to the sweetness. You don't even need to add sugar. I'm sure for some of you guys doing scouting in the Caribbean this is nothing. Well, actually it is. I've been to the Caribbean, South America, etc. Nothing matches the freshness of these beans. Which reminds me, you guys really struggled finding a 'freshness' of talent south of the border. I will say this, too...if you brought back beans from some of those developing nations that matched the taste of this cup, I may have reconsidered. Truth is, we're probably going to lose 100 games this year. And while we're still technically rebuilding, the talent level we see from the minors is abysmal...and you guys are responsible for this. Speaking of talent level, whenever you have something special...you want to harness it. For instance, this coffee here is about finished. I'm going to make another fresh cup from my Keurig. I'm harnessing the greatness of the first cup and trying to duplicate it with the second cup. I find something great, and I try to duplicate it. You guys seem to change what you want every year. You need to find ballplayers that fit a system. Just like you need to find coffee that suits yourself. See, while I enjoy the hazelnut, I'm going to move on to a hazelnut and toffee. So, I'm sticking with what's good, the hazelnut, but adding another dimension with the toffee. It's just like finding a third baseman that you like...he gets on base, good eye, decent speed...you want that in a center fielder, too...but you want more range in the outfield obviously. See, this toffee is taking my range to another level. Should I stay with the French Vanilla? Guess what? I will. I have a plan and I'm sticking to it. I know that the french vanilla will work well with the hazelnut, and the toffee will just accentuate this great taste. Ooh! Look at this! It's done! See, here's some cream. You guys want some? Its okay, I know this is a bad meeting for you, but everybody gets fired at some point in their life. No, seriously...try it. Oh, god, this is delicious. You know what else is delicious? Winning baseball games. I don't foresee the people in this room helping this team winning a World Series. I do think, however, you can find a way to have a great cup of coffee every day. Okay, that's enough. All right...thanks for the meeting guys. And by the way, here's some gift certificates so you guys can experience the greatness of a Keurig. Mmm. Now get out of my office."