On Sunday, the head writer of Chicago Tough appeared on Comcast SportsNet's 'The Batter's Box'. Despite winning his opening match, he missed an obvious question on Bryan LaHair. The question asked 'what team did Bryan LaHair play for before he was with the Cubs'. The answer is obviously the Seattle Mariners. Upset, the 9 year old version of me wrote a letter to vent his feelings on the situation:
Hey. What's going on there. I hope this letter reaches you well. You see, it's 1989 and I don't have the internet to send you one of those electronic messages that everybody in the future talks about. So, you'll get this via handwritten letter...which serves you well. I want you to copy everything that I wrote. Maybe the pain of going through something so tedious will be a fresh reminder on how embarrasing your performance was today.
I'm not going to sit here and re-hash the question. I'm sure you've run it through your head enough times...but I want to know...are you a moron?! Seriously. I'm sitting here writing this thinking about what the equivalent to an unlikely all-star on the 1989 Cubs would be and I'm...oh. Yeah. Mitch Williams. Where was Mitch Williams before Chicago? Wait...lemme think...two seconds. Maybe I should call another friend of mine who seems to be just as retarded as you are? Okay, no. It's Texas. The Texas Rangers. I know this because I've dedicated my life to this team, something you've obviously gone away from.
For real, though. What's going on? Is 2012 so different that you can't watch the Cubs anymore? From what I've heard, you've got computers that give live scores, 17 different ESPNs, hell...even Major League Baseball has their own network...and you don't know where your all-star first baseman played before Chicago?!
Word on the street is that you have a wife, two kids, job...yadayadayada. I don't care. You don't have to watch every Cubs game, but at least be semi-coherent. Remember, you'rethe same kid who has to plea with his brothers to turn off MegaMan for two seconds just so I can watch the final innings of a Cubs game. I'm the same kid who hijacked your parents' black and white TV upstairs to watch Cubs games. When we went on family vacations, I'd find newspapers to get scores and stats. And I'm 9 (exp) years old! It's called 'making an effort'.
I heard your latest excuse is, 'Well, I didn't watch the Cubs a lot in 2009, 2010, and 2011. It got too tough. Hendry didn't care, the contracts were too big, they had no plan, the team had just worn on me...yadayadayada.' Uh, I just sat through a year with a 94 year old Goose Gossage spinning curveballs down the middle of the plate to Darryl Strawberry (and everybody else in the National League)! Zimmer nearly broke Maddux's arm by keeping him in games too long in '88. I was trying to be sold, as late as last year, that Les Lancaster was a viable starter in the Major Leagues. I'm currently running on fumes because of the audacity the front office has about Paul Kilgus being a starter, too. Plus, I remember Al Nipper, Calvin Schiraldi, and Ron Davis. Listen, you weak pompass self-absorbed joke of a man! I sat through this! I felt the pain! What, you can't feel the pain anymore? A 9 year old can handle watching bad baseball, but you can't? Get off the pity-pot.
Plus, if I only watched the Cubs partially between '86 and '89, I'd still know that Mitch Williams came from Texas, Andre Dawson came from Montreal, Vance Law came from Montreal, Lloyd McClendon came from Cincinnati, Rick Sutcliffe came from Cleveland, and that Mitch Webster came from somebody's sicksicksick joke about what a baseball player should be.
And what was your answer anyway? Was it the Reds? What are you stupid? That's right, the Reds traded a minor leaguer with decent power to another team in the division....you know, because teams are always swapping players in the same division. You're awesome. Did you think the Reds were still in the NL West? I bet you did...because you're obviously a moron.
I'm very proud of your knowledge...you're a good looking man. I guess there's hope. Currently, I'm 120 pounds, and probably one of the top five fattest kids in the entire elementary school. I'm sick of wearing sweatpants and stealing Ho-Ho's from people. My dress attire consists of a Reebok athletic shirt and an old Bulls shirt. So, it's good to know that things are better.
In the time being, I'm going to be leafing through my baseball/football/basketball/hockey encyclopedias and creating my own quarterback rating. I'll take a break to play some Electronic Battleship, Mousetrap, or NBA Bas-ket. Word on the street is that they still haven't made a football came better than Tecmo Bowl...which is completely understood. And they still haven't made a better baseball game than RBI Baseball.
Oh, yeah...I'm aware, by the way, of the pending loss to the San Francisco Giants in the NLCS. Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell will go off...but you know what, I'll be able to handle it. I can watch the Cubs and feel the pain. Plus, I'll remember things like 'where did the Cubs draft Shawon Dunston?' or 'did Marvell Wynne really exist?'
I hope you feel nothing but shame.
p.s. I can't believe NKOTB wasn't the next Beatles! I was so sure that was a lock!