Aries (3/21-4/19) Running a four minute mile is impossible for most...but you'll soon find out it's possible if you're running from the police.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) You'll love easy time at Starbucks drinking coffee and reading Kant and plays by Ibsen. Little do you know, people will have an equally easy time calling you 'that arrogant a--hole at Starbucks.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) You'll be reminded this week that Philadelphia is 'The City of Brotherly Love'. Unfortunately, you'll find out that it's also 'The City Where Your Wife Cheats on You'.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) I had a prediction set for you sign. But that is no more. Thank Gary Burt of Cleveland, Ohio. May God help all of you, this week.
Leo (7/23-8/22) Your insults about Barbie's being anatomically incorrect backfires...when you discover that your body is anatomically disgusting.
Virgo (8/23-9/23) You'll know you're finally in Britain upon hearing thousands yell, "God, Save the Queen!" But this warm-hearted moment will dissipate when you realize the Queen is actually drowning in the Thames and needs to be saved.
Libra (9/23-10/23) Your thesis proposal for 'Gramatically Incorrect TV Show Titles' is rejected when faculty cite 'philosophical differences'; mainly surrounding your irrational tirade about 'Diff'rent Strokes'.
Scorpio (10/24-11/21) One could blame the CEO for your suspension. But most will blame your in-meeting suggestion for a 'Naked Tuesday'.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) This is the week your child asks you if there's a God. The question will be answered in the same way your father did. By giving your son bacon for the first time.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) This week, if you don't succeed, try, try again. At some point, those kids will get in your van.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) Everybody will wonder what happened to you. Little do they know your vow to never leave your house during Shark Week.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) This week you'll find enjoyment in skipping stones with your son. It will be even more fun considering you'll be doing it from a tree on the heads of Nickleback concertgoers.
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