DES MOINES- Governor Terry Branstad joyfully announced early Monday that the entire state of Iowa has been promoted to play for the Chicago Cubs.
"It is my pleasure to announce that the rebuilding phase of the Chicago Cubs has left their organization with no choice...but to promote the entire state of Iowa to the major league club!" said the gleeful Branstad.
Early Sunday, the Cubs had promoted longtime prospects Josh Vitters and Brett Jackson. The two joined the club in Los Angeles for the team's afternoon match against the Dodgers. Over the past year, numerous Cubs have been promoted from the Iowa farm team(the Cubs' triple A affiliate): Steve Clevenger, Anthony Rizzo, Adrian Cardenas, Wellington Castillo, Esmailin Caridad, Casey Coleman, Jeff Beliveau, Michael Bowden, Tony Campana and Rafael Dolis.
Due to the vast amount of call-ups, Cubs general manager Jed Hoyer made an executive decision with help from head master Theo Esptein.
"F--- it. Start the buses. Bring 'em all up," demanded Hoyer.
At first, many thought he just meant to bring up the entire Iowa Cubs roster...but after conferring with Governor Branstad, it was a promotion request for the entire state.
The sudden move has led to excitement and confusion:
University of Iowa head football coach Kirk Ferentz was forced to end his early season practices amidst the chaos. The Hawkeyes are looking for practice space in Andersonville. Farmers were forced away from their struggling crops and into over-priced lofts in River North. The Cubs organization is said to be paying for the move and the housing.
"We're sick of having to ask players from the Iowa to come over. So, we figured if we have the whole state show up...then we don't have to wait. They'll all be here," said Hoyer.
The dugout will need to be extended during games, and most Iowans will be forced to sell hot dogs and foam fingers. Iowa's 3 million people will be dispersed throughout the city's north side and the southern edge of Evanston.
"They need to make money while they're here...what else are they gonna do? Watch baseball all day?"
The entire team is expected to arrive by Tuesday in San Diego. Buses leave Des Moines at Noon today.