(This was originally posted prior to the Bears/Vikings matchup in late 2010...as you can see...it was 'cold')
My name is Magnus of Oslo. I am an original Viking from the 10th century. I mean I'm a real (expletive) Viking.
Not one of those ditzes on Halloween who wears pigtails and drinks from a horn...but one who actually drinks from a horn...like every day of his life...because I don't own any cups...because I live on a ship...and I'm an actual (expletive) Viking.
I have spent my last 40 years ransacking and pillaging various towns throughout Scandinavia.
During these years, I have endured cruel weather. Anything from rain to sleet to snow to large waves and icy shores.
Where actual Vikings go when it's cold.
As a Viking, I take normal precautions to deal with these varying weather factors.
For instance, we have wool tops and pants...then we have a large wool cloak. The wool cloak is designed to go fully around the top and bottom. We use leg wrappings on our legs...sometimes these wrappings can go seven layers deep, depending on the weather. We had caps made of wool, sheepskin, and fur. During times of inclement weather, we wore hoods made of the same material that could cover our head and shoulders.
Why did we wear all of this?
Because it was (expletive)ing cold. It was really (expletive)ing cold.
That's why, as an actual Viking, I am writing a letter to the editors of Chicago Tough. Playing this game is an insult to the intellect of actual Vikings.
If Minnesota wants to play football in a -18 degree windchill, that's fine. But to hijack the proud 'Vikings' name and tell the public that it's 'Viking Weather' is an insult.
My Viking friends Ivar and Harald would never be caught dead out in this weather.
A painting of Ivar landing ashore in northern France...somewhere warmer.
Sure, we lived in Scandanavia....but there's a reason we owned long houses! We had homes where we could keep warm in inclement weather!
You want motivation? Have your wife tell you the family needs dinner; then, go out and hunt a buffalo. Trust me, you'll kill the SOB quickly. Why? Because you want your wife to stop complaining...and it's (expletive)ing cold outside!
Why do you think our culture ransacked any country to the south for over three centuries? Because we wanted to get the hell out of our area!
BECAUSE ITS (EXPLETIVE)ing COLD HERE!!!!
Everybody paints Vikings as these ruthless barbarians; raping, pillaging, etc. What would you do if you were stuck inside nine months a year? Knit? Hell, no! We got in a ship and decided to go somewhere warmer.
We certainly weren't going to go outside and play a football game on an ice patch. We had better things to do...like stay warm...and not (expletive)ing going outside.
That's why I'm urging the Minnesota football team to stop using the word 'Vikings', immediately. It insinuates that Vikings are ruthless barbarians; pagans so engulfed in their wantonness that not even the cold can cool their desires.
That's obviously not the truth.
Maybe they should use the name 'Idiots', since that's what they actually are.
As for me and my Viking friends...we'll be watching the game...in our long houses...nice and cozy.
Like an actual Viking would.
Because it's (expletive)ing cold outside.