Lurking in Switzerland's underworld, beneath its delectable selection of cheeses and chocolates, the Large Hadron Collider works its magic.
Seventeen miles in cicrumference, the particle accelerator recently made world headlines with the discovery of the elusive 'god particle'.
While the scientific community rejoiced, and the religious community questioned and squabbled...a third shift scientist alerted world news agencies of the particle's real origin.
"Yeah, I see dat. Dat's some tender stuff right dere."
Tony Spizzolo of Elmwood Park, Illinois has been a resident scientist by the LHC for seven years. He is an expert in physics...and Italian beef.
"I knowz many things about dis world. One is physics. Two is beefs. And dat particle dere? Dat ain't no God Particle. Dat's just a small minute piece of juicy beef. Dat's a Johnnie's or an Al's, extra wet, dat's wut dat is!"
Shock and dismay rolled from the Alps to the barren fields of the Serengeti. Physicists were left looking for 'lost data' while clergymen rejoiced.
Lost in the shockwave, was the potential of this new discovery.
"Everybody here can get as upset as dey want. Dat's find wit me. But, I'll tell ya dis. We just came up wit a plan that makes Italian beef. Particles collide, beef is made. Dis, I know. If we continue said process, how much beef can one make? Or, more importantly, how would we stop said production. And furthermore, does dis mean that we didn't originate from monkeys or particles? Maybe we spontaneously came from beefs? Only one could hope."
Spizzolo has turned down numerous interviews after the discovery. In a press release, Spizzolo stated that he was looking for quote, 'an influx in beef production over the next couple weeks' and that he would be 'inviting some guys he knows from back home to have a barbecue' and that he was gonna get some rolls 'specially delivered from the old country' just in time for the party.
Rolf Heuer, director of the European Centre for Nuclear Research, has called off all media from the site...however, the onslaught of Spizzolo family arriving in Swiss country has been non-stop.
"We've been in mourning," said Heuer. "We thought we had it. Now, we see this fat...how do you say...'meatball?'...this American find out that it's beef...it hurts. Just a fat American drinking that...what is that...Old Style? He keeps talking about watching old DVDs of this American football team called the 'Bears'...I don't know...it's all too much. I'm tired."
Spizzolo will be available for comment at week's end.
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