NEW YORK- In an unprecedented move, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig passed a new law that would provide welfare to teams that underperform during the regular season. This new 'Welfare Act', as it was described by Selig, will give much needed assistance to bad teams in the form of food vouchers, health care benefits, cash or multiple All-Star Game nominations.
"The season is 162 games long. When your team is bad like the Cubs, you want to give their fans an unreasonable gift that they don't deserve...you know...to keep their hopes up. Theo stated they didn't need food stamps or health care benefits. So, we decided to give them two all-star players instead of one. That should make up for their inability to hit with runners in scoring position and less than two out. Er, maybe not...but it's a start."
The Cubs currently have the worst record in MLB at 29-49. Historically, teams with a record that poor only receive the required one nomination. However, this year, the Cubs somehow landed Bryan LaHair and Starlin Castro.
"We thought of having a 'Cubs doll giveaway' or giving away some autographed balls...but nothing matches team pride like having team under-deserving players represent your horrific team in the All-Star Game."
Starlin Castro has an underwhelming OBP of .318. Even with the low OBP, Castro would've been the obvious solo pick for the Cubs. However, Bryan LaHair's post-June 12th stats show a .186 batting average with only 1 HR and 3 RBI.
"We had to pick somebody other than Castro. Bryan is a feel-good story. Even if he's been bad lately, he still satisfied our agreement."
Selig did have some worries about the arrangement.
"If they took cash, I'd be worried. Sometimes, when you give these benefits out, people use them to buy cigarettes or liquor. A part of me had this fear I'd walk into Theo's office in two weeks and see him frenetically peeling through scratch-offs. I'm glad he took the added all-star player instead of the money."
At the time of press, Epstein is still considering asking Selig for more cash.