Yaz Ends White Sox Attendance Problems; Fills 10,000 Additional Seats

Yaz Ends White Sox Attendance Problems; Fills 10,000 Additional Seats

CHICAGO - Prior to Tuesday's night tilt against their cross-town rivals, much was made of the Chicago White Sox inability to sell tickets for the big series.

However, just hours before first pitch on Tuesday, legendary Boston Red Sox outfielder Carl Yastrzemski came to the aid of the White Sox box office.

"I heard of an issue," proclaimed the greatest outfielder to have ever played the game.  "I got the signal from Hawk...and I have arrived."

The 'signal' is a bright light cast in the sky to beckon Yaz's greatness.  The signal is controlled by none other than White Sox broadcaster Ken 'Hawk' Harrelson; a former teammate of Yaz.

"I thought to myself, dadgummit...if we can't fill this stadium for a Cubs/White Sox game...then what can we fill it for?" said a saddened Harrelson.  "Then I thought what I always do in these situations.  I ask myself a simple question: 'What would Yaz do?' I tell you what...you give a situation like this...to Carl Yastrzemski...he'll make lemonade from lemons just from the look in his eyes.  That's Yaz."

The big question that confused the White Sox box office was how Yastrzemski was going to fill the extra 10,000 seats...little did they know.

"Yaz has this thing called an 'aura'," said Harrelson.  "Those 10,000 seats aren't going to be filled by Yaz alone.  His aura will glow over the extra 10,000 seats.  That means the stadium will have 10,000 extra Yaz's...or as I call it...10,000 versions of heaven."

The story of Hawk's love affair with Yaz goes back to the famed outfielder's 1967 triple crown winning season.

"Some people might call it a triple crown.  I call it 'The Trinity of the Yaz'.  You see, Yaz would hit balls that year that I've never seen before.  I saw Wilbur Wood throw him a knuckleball that was spitted, scuffed, and buffed.  The ball came on the inner edge, dropped two feet, cut to the outer half, hit a rock in front of the plate...and Yaz hit into the upper deck of Tiger Stadium.  Afterwards, he made love to six different women, fed two homeless men that were living in the Tiger Stadium parking lot, and then had the time to buy me dinner.  That was Yaz."

The White Sox front office was thrilled to have the additional support...plus, general manager Ken Williams hopes it will give the organization more money for the trade deadline.

"It's no secret that we're struggling at the gate.  But, with 10,000 Yaz's anything's possible.  Plus, now I've got Hawk occupied so the rest of us can focus."

Yaz was unable for further comments due to being overextended by 'aura' commitments.

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