CHICAGO - While eating breakfast in his Chicago condo, Chicago White Sox pitcher Jake Peavy stewed and cursed after every bite of his favorite cereal.
"Argh! Godd-----! I never put the right amount of milk in here! Dammit!"
Peavy is known for his verbal peculiarities after every pitch he makes in a ballgame. However, not as known to the public, is his persistent fury at the inadequacies his breakfast brings to the table. This time, the usual culprit was a box of Honey Nut Cheerios.
"Son of a....What's the expiration on this?! 2013? This tastes like it expired last week. God, maybe that's the milk. DANGIT! I grabbed the skim?! F&%#!"
Peavy's troubles were on full display during his problematic third inning Tuesday. Errors in the field were compounded by a two-run single by David DeJesus. The White Sox would lose the game 2-1. On Wedensday morning, the frustration carried over into his morning meal. Truth be told, however, the anger is par for the course. Peavy has hurled anger at his breakfast every morning since 1982 when a box of Trix didn't contain a prize.
"I wanted the E.T. figurine. It said that an action figure was in there. I searched all over. After my anger subsided, I tried to eat the remainder of the Trix...and it was soggy. DAMMIT! It still gets me angry! ARH!"
After the mishap in '82, Peavy vowed to hold his breakfast to the highest of expectations.
"People open up a box just hoping to start their day on a positive note. Screw positivity. I want excellence. I demand a shutout every time out...I hope my cereal maker expects the same thing."
On this day, his bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios had little to cheer about.
"Now I've got to dump out this bowl 'coz skim is all over it," said Peavy. After pouring another bowl, Peavy noticed another error.
"Dangit! Too much milk! My Cheerio to milk ratio is off the charts. This isn't good. How is this supposed to meet my demand for 12 Cheerios on every spoon?! How?! I'm gonna be left with all of this rotten milk. A waste of milk! God, why do I waste so much milk! Stupid!"
Without people present, Peavy usually throws his anger at the character on the box. 'Buzz', the Honey Nut Cheerios mascot, was put on the defense.
"What are you smiling at bee? You think this is funny? You think the high levels of milk I mistakenly poured into this bowl is something to smile about? It isn't?! This is no longer a part of a balanced breakfast! Why don't you feel some of my balanced anger? You think after buzzing around for long enough you could get more honey taste into this box? This tastes like cardboard! Don't smile at me! DON'T SMILE!"
Peavy usually berates the box's mascot; however, the tirades rarely turn into physical violence on the box.
"Unreal. It's soggy after six bites. Six bites! This is a 4 1/3, eight hit, six walks, nine earned runs performance by Honey Nut Cheerios. Look at this. Look at your box! Look at all this crap! You think I care about lowering cholestorol at a time like this? This isn't the time to talk about health! It's the time to talk about how you're not doing your job for your customers! This is it, I'm out."
Peavy would begrudgingly finish the bowl, but not before giving another stern lecture to 'Buzz'.
"I'm coming back tomorrow. I expect more out of you. I expect more crunch. I expect more munch. I expect more honey. I expect more Cheerio. I expect deliciousness. Now, hit the showers."
Peavy's next breakast is scheduled for 7 a.m. Thursday.