(The following is a note that was left on the door of Dale Sveum's office at Wrigley Field. Chicago White Sox manager Robin Ventura after the White Sox swept the Chicago Cubs on Sunday.)
"Hey, what's up Dale. I'm really sorry about this weekend. I know this might not be consolation, but...I just thought you should have this. I left a handle of the cup inside that envelope...just something for the series. I feel bad taking the whole cup...it's just...I've been there, man. When we came here this weekend the whole team was really intense. We were ready for a dogfight. Then, I saw the lineup. I'll be honest, I didn't know who Joe Mather was. Was he related to the guy who did that Christmas album? I wasn't sure. I checked online. That was Johnny Mathis. Then, I got him mixed up with Dan Rather. We didn't even have a scouting report for him. Actually, we didn't have a scouting report for half your team. I sent Cardenas some flowers. He is truly horrible at baseball. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with that on a daily basis. I saw Steve Rosenberg pitch for us back in '89. I almost went blind. Cardenas is the hitter's version of Rosenberg.
I know things are tough, but...could you try having your guys hitting the ball in the air when it's 90 degrees and the wind is howling out? We're not really that good of a team...as a matter of fact, and don't tell anybody I said this, we'll be lucky to finish .500 when it's all said and done...but we know that when the flags are blowing out that we need to get under the ball....and who is Blake Parker? He sounds like the asshole from school that's putting roofies in girls' drinks because it's the only way he can get laid...Ooh! And some other notes: You might want to take Casey Coleman and Michael Bowden and package them to some other team...maybe somewhere in Russia. Plus, I didn't even know Koyie Hill was still in baseball. You might want to make sure he gets those fingers sawed off again.
It's bad...well, enjoy the handle. And remember, it's always darkest before the dawn. That '89 team I was on...shiver. I once saw Don Pall take hallucinogens before a game. He beaned two batters on the Blue Jays, then balked three times after leaving the rubber to try to tell the umpires that Lloyd Moseby was the devil...he actually chased Kelly Gruber with scissors. Carmelo Martinez got so frustrated with the team he was caught bringing and actual oar to the plate. Trust me, you're not there yet. The next year, we won 94 games...and boom! We were contenders.
Best of luck,