Len Kasper Can't Find Statistics Showing Why Blake DeWitt Should Play for the Cubs

Len Kasper Can't Find Statistics Showing Why Blake DeWitt Should Play for the Cubs

CHICAGO - Things got pretty awkward in the Chicago Cubs broadcast booth on Sunday.

The moment occurred when Chicago Cubs announcer Len Kasper was doing a segment in the fourth inning on 'player value' for his weekly 'Stats Sunday' discussion.  After Kasper got through the various statistical strengths of each player, the broadcaster got to Blake DeWitt...and then things got weird.

"I, uh...sorry for the delay here folks, I know I had something on Blake...just give me a moment...ball one to Kemp."

Kasper didn't have to go into DeWitt's strengths considering the veteran had just been DFA'd that morning...but Kasper was sure that in his research something came up on DeWitt.

"I'm looking at VORP and WAR...yeah, it's not here.  Trying the more traditional stats now...batting average, OPS...Bob, do you have anything?  Ball two to Kemp."

After going through his brief notes on DeWitt, Brenly couldn't find anything either.  Kasper was stuck going into detail about DeWitt's crappy Cubs career.

"Let's see, just over two seasons in Chicago for DeWitt...says -.1 offensive WAR and -.5 defensive WAR."

Brenly, with another one of his obvious observations stated, "That sounds like he's bad at offense and defense."

"Hold on...I know I had something," said a befuddled Kasper.  "Ah!  Just over two seasons DeWitt has a .250 average with 9 HRs and 49 RBIs in 443 at bats...Okay, that's not horrible...let's see what else...what? A .294 on base percentage?  An OPS of .632?  This...Debbie, are these the right stats?"

After requesting manually calculated verifications of the figures, Kasper struggled to find a reason as to why the Cubs kept him so long.

"So, let's review:  he can't hit, he can't field, he can't hit for power...oh, wait!  Speed...he's kind of fast, let's see, oh my god you've got to be kidding me.  Two stolen bases?!  Two?!  Didn't Campana have three in his first game, Bob?  This is ridiculous."

Kasper spent the entire fifth inning looking for reasons that DeWitt stayed on the team.

"His beard is poorly kept...he usually looks like he stumbled out of bed...he's a mediocre dresser...I was told he tried to make food in the clubhouse and burned grilled cheese...he can't hit, field, run, or make grilled cheese.  He's the first zero tool player I've ever seen."

Rumors have even begun to circulate that former Cub Aaron Miles and Blake DeWitt might actually be the same person.  While these rumors have yet to be proven true, the questions circulating about how or why DeWitt even got here is in question.

"It says here he was traded for Ted Lilly and Ryan Theriot," said Cubs head master Theo Epstein.  "I'll be honest...I was told we actually just got cash for those guys.  Word is somebody in the McCourt family put DeWitt in a baby carriage and mailed him next day to Chicago.  Hendry opened the box, told DeWitt that he 'never saw anything' and that 'he could stay here as long as he could...as long as he made a 'Dunkin Run' every morning....true story."

It was verified that donuts were mysteriously missing from the player's food table this morning.  When somebody went to the normal location on Addison and Lincoln, DD store owner Shariv Patel asked where 'that bearded man who love the 'Boston Kreme' was.

While DeWitt's whereabouts are unknown, and his reason for even getting to Chicago is unknown, his legend of his ineptitude will live on.

"I just thought he was supposed to be here...like the ivy," said Epstein.  I had only a couple specific notes from Jim (Hendry) when I took over.  He left a note on his desk saying, 'Good Luck!  Keep the field the same, get youth,' and, in bold letters, 'don't touch De Witt'.  Guy was pretty serious, so I didn't even think of trading him...until we put his stats into our new stat machine.  He actually broke our new stat machine.  DeWitt's stats actually broke the machine."

Epstein's frustrations could be heard in Kasper's voice, as well.

"Folks, this will be the end of 'Stats Sunday'...what I've seen, and what I've discussed today has left me numb.  How this guy could stay here as long as he did...I'm...Chicago Cubs baseball will be back after these messages."

DeWitt's assignment will be clarified today.  Stats Sunday will be on hiatus until further notice.

(DISCLAIMER:  All articles on Chicago Tough are not of real events and are comedic in nature...the fact that I have to put this here?  Well...long story.)


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  • The upside is his HAP. Health + Age + Potential.

  • In reply to Aquinas wired:

    He shall remain in our hears forever as the all-time HAP champion!

  • Thanks for the part at the end. I thought I had slept through this discussion, like most of the game, after it being delayed for a couple of hours. Then, I didn't see the end of the game, because there were competing programs such as two episodes of The Simpsons.

    As it is, Len and Bob are making the Sunday program way too wonky, especially for a team like the Cubs, which was never statistically sound. You don't hear Hawk spewing all sorts of statistics about Morel. Then, the one part I did pick up on statistics whether bunts actually generated runs became moot when the batter broke his bat and essentially had a swinging bunt to the shortstop.

  • In reply to jack:

    It's made me pretty sleepy, too.

  • In reply to Captain Meatball:

    In fact, I think that the only times I woke up were for Jim Ramsey's tornado warnings in Iroquois County, and it turns out that about all the action at Wrigley was during those bulletins.

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