(NOTE: This is a re-post from earlier in the season. After tonight's loss, it feels fairly appropriate to re-hash our feelings here at Chicago Tough about this team.)
CHICAGO- The first major purchase of the Theo Epstein era came late Tuesday after the Chicago Cubs' loss to the Milwaukee Brewers.
"I don't think it's a secret to anybody, but it looks like we're gonna have some trouble with our 'L' flag," stated the Cubs President of Baseball Operations. "It gets rather windy around here, and if we keep losing like this...well...we just have to be prepared."
The Cubs have started the season 1-4 and no help seems to be in sight.
"We have really good prospects," said Cubs general manager Jed Hoyer. "However, they're not coming up soon...and...well...we kind of have a pile of (exp) right now. I mean, it's not a pile of (exp). It's more like a pile of old towels...you know, the ones you use to dry off your car? Er, when you're stuck in a bind and just used cleaner to sparkle your bathroom...you know, when it has that residue? I mean, I have a cleaning lady, but...I see it. She has old towels. I use it on my car. When I'm not getting it cleaned professionally. Actually, the last time I dried my car was probably 1996. I think it was Heather Molson? Or Burkett? Yeah, Heather Burkett...yeah, she was...wow...oh, yeah, but, yeah...old towels. Like a pile of old towels. Our bullpen is the pile of (exp). Yeah, definitely a pile of (exp)."
While the Cubs develop their farm system, the team is projected to struggle for the next couple years. For Epstein, it means his biggest purchase yet will be the new flag.
"We like our current flag, but it's meant to last about 50-55 home losses. This year, based on our current pace we'd be 16-65 at year's end. Damn. I didn't even think of that...you know, that's a small sample size. I'm a metrics man, and you can't project these things. Okay, maybe you can. But at about 50 losses you'll start to see some wear and tear. Like when you see those old flags at gas stations that have been up since 1975? Like that. I don't want that...I want people to know that we only accept the best now...and if that means having the freshest 'L' flag we can find, then so be it."
The 'L' flag purchase is done through a private company called Flags America. Flags America, centered in Chicago, was proud to receive the request.
"It's not an easy thing for them to accept," opined owner Jeff Panico. "For us, we're prepared for everything. The 'L' flag has got its own taste to it. First, we pick out a blue flag...then we put a white block 'L' on it. It's made fresh, just like our other flags. Well, except our Tibetan flag...that we just make reprints of and sell at summer concerts...you know, DMB, Widespread Panic...any place you find hippies. They just buy that up. I could probably just have this business selling that flag. Plus, we got these Tibetan stickers...what does this say...'Free Tibet'. I don't even know what that means. I mean, is Tibet a person or something? I don't know...but yeah...we make these fresh. Theo's gonna get our best work."
For Epstein, the flag purchase is the biggest one in his short tenure.
"We bought a Keurig right when I got here. I mean, it was only $60 or so. Pretty good deal. Lots of different flavors. This flag order is gonna cost us $75 with all of the professional detail done to the flag...plus, we need it to be sturdy. It has to get us between that 35-60 loss mark at home. Overall, though...I do think the Keurig was the better purchase. I've got like 17 different types of tea...and different flavors...see this...this is Orange Spice...that's coffee, not tea. Orange coffee! Ha! Aw, man...seriously, what will they think of next. Anyways, yeah, we suck."
The Cubs, with two 'L' flags in tow, play Milwaukee tomorrow at 1:20 p.m.