CHICAGO - Normally, the annual cross-town series between the Chicago Cubs and Chicago White Sox is filled with bitter arguments fueled by liquor and ignorance. This year, however, the two sides will come together to celebrate their united passion: hating smelly protestors with no discernible message.
The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) will travel to Chicago for the well-publicized NATO Summit. The meeting happens to coincide with the popular cross-town series, and is sure to create odd conversation between baseball fanatics and global well-wishers.
"We know that City of Chicago officials have been planning for this week for quite some time, however, we're not sure that they understand that both sides have a united vision," stated Jim Allen, president of the Chicago Cubs Fan Club. "We enjoy our series. We support the protestors...but if one protestor comes within six feet of my Old Style...all hell will break loose."
Allen met with White Sox Fan Club president Sean Doherty to make sure both sides were on the same page.
"Every once in awhile, enemies have to come together for one united cause," said Doherty. "You have to understand that most of our fans are coming from the south side, this weekend...this creates a problem. Traffic, public transportation...most of it is unavailable. So, you have angry south siders who've been drinking since 9 a.m., trying to find some odd route to get to Wrigley...it's a group of guys, usually about 10 who've gone to the same parochial schools since they were four years old...let's just say we're worried for Peter Protestor if he tries to give a pamphlet about governmental conspiracy against hemp. Half the south side is a cop or knows a cop...or was a cop...this isn't gonna be good."
Cubs and White Sox Fan Club members will be given 'smell whistles' that each fan can blow once they smell a protestor nearby. The whistle will help assemble law enforcement. If law enforcement is not available, a group of 'minutemen' have been chosen by each fan base to assemble and make sure that the smelly protestor is driven from the premises.
"We're not against protesting," stated Doherty. "Hell, we've all got our questions about the government. But threatening the sanctity of our game is off limits. Off limits."
For Allen, it's about making sure that nobody loses beer.
"I understand their message...er...if they have a message. I can't tell. Is it the 'Occupy' movement? Health care reform, the Kennedy assassination, the Skulls conspiracy...anarchy? I dunno. Actually, nobody does. That's beside the point. The fact is that you have semi-high protestors coming dangerously close to baseball fans that just want to drink their beer. That's all they want. And when contact becomes a problem, and beer is spilled...blood may be spilled next...okay, that was a bit harsh. Not blood, take that off the record. The issue is that they won't have money to buy me another beer. This is the real issue...and I mean...it's a real issue."
The Cubs and White Sox games will be on Friday at 1:20 p.m. CST, Saturday at 6:15 p.m. CST, and Sunday at 1:20 p.m. CST.