CHICAGO - Hours after the Chicago Blackhawks were eliminated from the 2012 NHL playoffs, Hawks/Cubs fan Jerry Banks of Naperville thought it would be a good time to catch up on his beloved baseball team. Like many during the final month of the Blackhawks season, Banks had little clue of who was on the Cubs; let alone how they were doing.
"Jesus Christ! 5-12?! What the hell is going on?"
Looking at a roster provided by baseball-reference.com, Banks went down the list of no-names, never-wills, and probably-wonts.
"Who the hell is Rafael Dolis? Is he Dominican? Let's see, here...what the...eight innings and seven walks...alright, who else we got here..."
The first thing that caught Banks' eyes while running through the statistics and roster was the putrid performance of the bullpen.
"Alright...dear God, where's my calculator. Okay, totals are...46 2/3 IP...24 earned runs...4.62 ERA...eh...29 walks, 44 hits...1.56 WHIP...eck. This isn't good. Who the hell are we even playing?"
For many Blackhawks fans catching up on the Cubs, the upcoming schedule usually provides hope for an interesting season...but not this year.
"Two more against St. Louis...Jesus, at Philly? For four games?! Well, there goes that...hey, where are those prospects?"
Searching the roster for the familiar names of Rizzo and Jackson led nowhere.
"Wow. Bad team, no prospects up...okay, maybe this Lendy Castillo...let's check his game log...OH MY GOD!"
Without prospects and mediocre names from previous seasons, Banks was then caught by free agents and players acquired via trade that he didn't remember from the off-season.
"Chris Volstad...heh. Ian Stewart? Didn't he hit .032 last year? Hey! David DeJesus! I like his glove; he was solid in KC...wait...he's hitting leadoff. Jesus, this team sucks."
Even more painful for Banks were reminders of things he forgot from the previous season.
"At least it's Soriano's final year, God that's gonna be nice to get his contract off the bo...huh? Another year? What did we sign this guy for 70 years?!"
Banks, like many Cubs fans, had to go through the details of the Marlon Byrd trade online. Unfortunately for Banks, he also had to come to the realization that another player was still on the team.
"Wait...Blake DeWitt? We still have Blake DeS---. Good thing we have our priorities straight...do I really want to even get myself into this?"
After fumbling online through some more Cubs stats, Banks meandered over to the Chicago Bulls site.
"Okay...who we got?"
The Cubs season resumes tonight against the St. Louis Cardinals. They are still searching for their first series victory of 2012.