RAFFI TORRES PUNCHES ELDERLY WOMAN IN THE FACE, RUNS OFF, ROBS CHILD OF HIS EASTER CANDY, KICKS BUDDHIST MONK IN THE FACE, LAUGHS AT HOMELESS GUY AND DESCENDS INTO HELL

RAFFI TORRES PUNCHES ELDERLY WOMAN IN THE FACE, RUNS OFF, ROBS CHILD OF HIS EASTER CANDY, KICKS BUDDHIST MONK IN THE FACE, LAUGHS AT HOMELESS GUY AND DESCENDS INTO HELL

CHICAGO – Moments after his gutless hit on Chicago Blackhawks forward Marian Hossa, Phoenix Coyotes forward Raffi Torres was on the streets of Chicago causing havoc at every turn.

Running from Chicago authorities, the Coyotes goon jumped onto a CTA bus going westbound on Madison. Torres grabbed a hold of the driver, pulled a six foot cobra from his back pack, and strangled 60 year old CTA driver Heather Molina.

Moments after taking over the bus, a brave woman from the Austin neighborhood named Edith Jackson, tried to reason with Torres. Torres then pulled out a mini-trident from under his skates and stabbed the woman to death…after punching her 35 times in the back of the head.

Torres contacted Chicago Police and let them know that he was taking the bus to ‘Hell…straight to hell…where I live.’

While cops tried to blockade the bus as it turned north onto Western Avenue, Torres used his devilish powers to light the cars in front of him on fire. As of now, the cars are being reported to have sustained ‘eternally damned injuries’.

Torres took time during this chase to steal an Easter basket from 6 year old Jimmy Givens at the intersection of North and Western. Givens, who was given the basket from a welfare program that assists young children from broken homes, was then punched in the back of the head by Torres. Torres left his feet, laughed in the kid’s face, before using his horns to open the bus doors…breathing fire and reeking of eternal damnation, Torres then used his powers to light all passengers on fire.

It was at this moment that Torres converted the CTA bus into a B-2 Bomber-like chariot that flew over the streets of Chicago. Inside the chariot was Torres, whipping the four horseman of despair around the town.

Torres then flew to the Buddhist Temple of Chicago where he would change his clothing into a monk’s garment. While silently meditating, Torres shot up and starting kicking the peaceful monks in the face. Torres then took the Tibetan flag and did things that shocked the monks…and this writer (None of which can be detailed…but he’s the devil…so…yeah…imagine.)

After leaving the temple, Torres rode his fiery chariot throughout the city; stopping near an Uptown el stop to laugh at homeless men trying to stay warm.

Torres, along with his chariot, descended into hell where he’ll live for eternity…or til any post-suspension game pending on the ruling by NHL rules enforcer Brendan Shanahan.

Informants have told Chicago Tough that investigations are pending…at least until Torres comes back up from hell.

In a press release given by Torres’ agent, the Coyotes forward did not show remorse:

Greetings from Hell,

I am Raffi Torres, son of Igwam the Lord of the Devils, and Satan, the man of the flesh. While riding my B-2 bomber-like chariot, I had a lot of time to think…well…that was when I wasn’t stealing candy from that kid...(OMG, wasn’t that so funny! JMO) I was thinking, well…I was thinking, ‘God, every year I forget just how good these robin eggs are! Guh! I could die for these!’ Then I realized I was thanking God…which I would never do, AND that I said ‘I could die for these’. Considering I’m ‘sort-of-dead’, that’s a pretty stupid thing to say.

Anywho, I just want to say that when I leapt to hit Marian Hossa that it was nothing like my hit on Brent Seabrook or Jordan Eberle (or the other five guys that I nearly killed…OOPS!) This was a hockey play. Hossa was nowhere near the puck and had his back turned. I don’t know if you know this, but I’m the devil, so that’s a perfectly legal time for me to hit somebody. The only thing that I wish would’ve happened…well…I wish he was like 8 years old…and his parents were at the game…and it was his birthday…and it was the last time his sick grandmother was going to watch him play hockey…you know, that would be better! But, I’ll just settle for national TV and the NHL playoffs. What can you do?

Well, I know that Mr. Shanahan will be looking for me, so I’m gonna stay in hell for awhile. Hope you guys have fun up there!

XOXO

Raffi

Hossa could not be reached for comment…actually he could…but he can’t speak…because his jaw is broken…because he was hit by the spawn of Satan.

No official word will be given until tomorrow on Torres’ suspension.

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