The world's best horoscope is here. Enjoy.
Aries (3/21-4/19) Prepare for a rousing conflict when your hotel doesn't recognize that your 'continent' in your continental breakfast is Africa.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) You've always hated Twitter. But this week it will reach a boiling point when you're incorrectly notified of the cancellation of Toddlers and Tiaras.
Gemini (5/21-6/20) This is the week you finally get a correct answer in trivia night! Which makes sense since you've responded to every question over the past six months with 'Burt Reynolds'.
Cancer (6/21-7/22) You're finally notified that the 'Land of the Free and Home of the Brave' is not Turner Field; home of the Atlanta Braves.
Leo (7/23-8/22) You achieve cult status in the Chicago Police Department when you're notified that you participated in the only fistfight stemming from a debate about the 1804 election.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) You think you've had constipation before...you just wait.
Libra (9/23-10/22) You're not sure yet why you're injured. But you've been informed it's because of stage diving. And that you're not Iggy Pop.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) Yep. You're the guy without the deodorant.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) Paranoia will consume you when you convince yourself that biscuits and gravy are nothing more than a southerner's way of making yankees lethargic.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) Don't talk about the weather with the man at the bus stop. Unless you want a 40 minute lecture on barometric pressure.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) You've always been a stickler for detail, but a 13 page response to The Pixies' question of 'Where is My Mind?' may have gone a bit too far.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) Fashion designers statements that 'black is the new white' forces your bigoted personality to start hating yourself.