EVERGREEN PARK- Don Spizzi spent the majority of his afternoon cleaning up debris from the previous weekend in his backyard.
"Ahhh! It's those kids next door. The parents go out and they have these big parties, and then they just take the garbage and dump it into my backyard. This has been the first time I've been able to get back out here...got a bad back. Anyways, it's good to get outside. I need the fresh air. Plus, you know, I was just thinkin'...I mean...can you believe that the Bears couldn't have gotten any wins with Hainie? I mean, what the hell?"
Most people in Chicago spend their working hours contemplating relationships with family or friends. Some will take time to listen to music or a book on tape. Unfortuantely, for Spizzi, he can't stop thinking of one game.
"I guarantee you they beat Kansas City they make the playoffs. I guarantee you!" said Spizzi while pointing a shovel at the writer's face. "They lost 10-3. 10-3. You give me that team, I win that game. Seriously...I win that game."
As the story moved along, Spizzi's face turned beat red. The days of anguish in this post-Bears season were worn on his mug like a newly formed rash...and he wanted us all to see it.
"I wudda made sure that Barber was in formation. You don't make that type of mistake on my watch!" yelled Spizzi. "I was a manager for 20 years in manufacturing. If I ever got a complaint for quality assurance, I used to put guys up against the wall and tell 'em that if they didn't get their act together, then they'd be on the streets! Of course, that was 20 years ago, and you could do those things back then. You could also take a pen tip, heat it up, and then press it lightly on people during interrogation. Not that I served as a muscleman for any mob group or anything...because I didn't....What? Just because I'm Italian you gonna make some sort of stereotype outta me? Huh? I thought we were talkin' Bears? Yeah. So, like I was sayin'. Three points. They got their only touchdown off of a hail mary. I tell you what, Barber is in formation if I'm in at quarterback. More importantly, we get that touchdown. Even more importantly, I'm not sitting in the pocket all day like Hainie did. All day he sat there!"
Hainie went 11 of 24 for 133 yards and three interceptions. He was sacked seven times.
"He ran well against Oakland...so he comes back and Martz is all like, 'Well, if you just would've stayed in the pocket a little longer you would've had more plays.' Whatever. So, he does. Martz doesn't understand that he was on the run because the line blocks like the French army on a Friday night. So, he stays in, he gets sacked...seven times. Run! What the hell is wrong with you! RUN!!"
Several times during the interview, Spizzi had to stop to catch his breath.
"Sorry...sorry, it's just. How do you take away the only decent attribute of a subpar quarterback? How do you take away his mobility? IT's the f'n Chiefs! THE CHIEFS! Okay, I need to calm down. Calm down, Don. Calm down. Okay, I'm gonna sit. I'm just sayin' that Hainie went 0-3 in the red zone. You put me in there, I get things done. I was all-conference at Brother Rice. I could've played D-II, D-III. Listen, I wasn't all-world, but I was effective. That's all you needed. You win that game, you don't lose to Denver. Trust me. You don't lose to Denver. You beat KC, you go to the playoffs. That's all you needed. You needed two flippin' wins and you would've been there. You see Eli Manning did with that group? You see that? You can't tell me we couldn't have done that?! How do you give up a flipping Hail Mary before the half?! How do you go into a season without an NFL caliber backup quarterback. How?! ANGELO!"
Spizzi informed CT that he did spend some of the afternoon thinking about his daughter, the Grammys, and Whitney Houston. However, 95% of the day was committed to how he's still pretty sure he could've beaten the Kansas City Chiefs.