BOSTON - After drying off his chiseled physique, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady fell to his knees and thanked God.
"Lord, you have blessed me. I got every girl I wanted in high school...all the ladies at Michigan. I enjoyed many relationships without an official license for um...activity...and now I wound up with this supermodel...who is currently making me breakfast...wearing only an old football jersey of mine...from 6th grade. It's pretty small on her. I don't know why I'm giving you a visual, you can see everything. I know. Yeah. She's pretty (expl) hot."
Brady continued thanking the Lord when he realized what his wife, Gisele Bundchen, was making for breakfast.
"...And Lord, thank you for the delicious ham and cheese omelets that Gisele makes...and her 24 year old Brazilian friend Jesique who is our nanny...whom I never look at...all the time...and for the mandatory 'nanny-wear' that I have given her...and for Gisele...Shoot, I'm late!"
The record-setting New England Patriots quarterback was late for a Wednesday run-through session with his team. Brady had spent the previous night in Atlantic City before being flown back home via private jet.
"Lord, thank you for reminding me that I'm late. And for that party last night. I'm not a big fan of hookers or recreational drug usage, but you really came through. I hope you took care of Larry...he was really out of shape...we kind of just pushed him out of the car in front of the hospital...so...yeah.."
Brady will be facing the Denver Broncos and their quarterback Tim Tebow this week. Many people feel that Tebow has a direct connection to the man upstairs...this is something that has weighed on Brady, and has forced him to pray more often.
"I know that I haven't been as good as Tim (Tebow) has...but I'm hoping that maybe you can look for positives in different areas for me...like...whenever I was with a girl in college I always made sure she got a cab the next day, orrrr...I would pay extra for those special booths at clubs. You know, the type of extra pay that helps a girl go to college...or feed her child...er...whatever she was telling me when I gave her the extra money. Well...I just wanted to say that I'm a good guy. I know Tim feeds lepers in the Philippines or something, or heals kids with his hands...I just play football. I'm just a big, stupid football player. Who likes women. Really talented women who are great cooks...who are gorgeous wearing their old football jerseys...shoot!! I'm late!"
The Patriots will host the Broncos at 7 p.m. on Saturday.