HOUSTON - Moments after the final gun at Reliant Stadium, Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis grabbed a bag full of used red flags and challenged the Texans victory.
"This score has been completely falsified! I would like to know the mathematicians who are up to this hijinks! Where's Goodell?!"
The NFL commissioner was alone in his luxury box; stunned at the maniacal Lewis yelling at NBC cameras.
"I'm pretty sure the score was 31-10...and correct," stated the head of the league. "I, uh, pulled out this calculator. And it says...yep...look...if you look upside down it says 'Marvin Lewis is a Twatbag.' Okay, it says 'hello'. But...you have to admit; that was funny."
Lewis had used two challenges early in the first half of the Bengals frustrating loss. Fans heavily criticized the odd challenges by the Bengals head master. Lewis, however, believed that his bag of challenge flags to his side should've counted as extra challenges.
"I used those two early because I was fairly certain that I had as many challenge flags as the amount of challenge flags I showed up to the game with...you know how many baseballs are used in a Major League Baseball game? Like 100. You know how many challenge flags I have here?! About 57. Soooo, obviously I used two early. I had 55 challenges remaining...then those particular referees came up and stated I had used my final challenges. Which I also have challenged to the commissioner. Don't expect the end of this."
In all, Lewis has used 115 challenge flags in the past year...but only three in NFL games. The other 112 were used on traffic stops, gas prices, fast food orders gone awry, and on a neighbor's dog that kept pooping on his lawn. Lewis had also mailed 32 of the 112 to writers of various Op/Ed pieces he had read in the Cincinnati Enquirer and New York Times.
"So what. I sent 23 challenge flags to Thomas Friedman. Big deal. I don't need lectures on modern day fiscal problems of Middle Eastern governments. I challenge his remedial knowledge of the oil industry. Plus, I challenge Krugman's incorrect abuse of Keynesian economics. Come to think of it, I need more challenge flags."
Other future real-life challenges Lewis is thinking of challenging are the JFK assassination, Stonehenge, and aliens. On today's game, he'll be petitioning anybody he can.
"So, people say I'm crazy...and enabler...have too many players that go to jail. Truth is I stand up for my team. I stand behind the lie that is this 31-10 loss. I will be flying with my team to New England, next week. I don't care. I am excited for our team after our big win over Houston...that reminds me, I gotta bring my flags...hey, anybody see my flags?"
NFL Rules Committee officials declined to comment.