We will finish our 'Not Really, But Sort of Really Super Bowl Moments' tomorrow.
Today, we celebrate the 26th anniversary of the greatest team in football history winning Super Bowl XX. That's right, our Monsters of the Midway; the Chicago Bears.
I present to you a game-by-game synopsis of what transpired in that beautiful 1985 season"
Week 1: Chicago 38, Tampa Bay 28
The Bears spotted the Bucs a 28-17 lead when Steve DeBerg's arm was suddenly chewed off by Steve McMichael. James Wilder was left shaken in the second half when Mike Singletary's eyes shot through his chest. The Bears scored 21 unanswered points en route to the victory.
Week 2: Chicago 20, New England 7
In a Super Bowl preview, the Patriots spent 19 seconds in Chicago Bears territory all day. Tony Eason left the game with a lower right pee stain. Craig James caught a long touchdown pass in the latter stages of the game...only to be tackled by the Honey Bears in the end zone; where he would be pummeled to death!
Week 3: Chicago 33, Minnesota 24
After falling behind 17-9, the Bears put in a woozy and injured Jim McMahon to replace the struggling Steve Fuller. McMahon threw three touchdown passes to guide the Bears to a thrilling victory. After his third touchdown pass, the roof of the Metrodome began to cave in...but Walter Payton blew straight into the air and pushed the dome back to safety. Nobody was hurt...except Tommy Kramer.
Week 4: Chicago 45, Washington 10
The Bears fell behind 10-0 before thumping the Skins for 31 second quarter points. The scoring started on a 99 yard kickoff return by Willie Gault. During the return, Gault grabbed Joe Theismann by his single-barred helmet and dragged him for about 40 yards before spiking the ball on his head. Walter Payton even threw a touchdown pass in this game to...wait for it...Jim McMahon. This was just to show the NFL that the Bears could use 17 different quarterbacks and they would still destroy them.
Week 5: Chicago 27, Tampa Bay 19
The Bears fell behind in this game, too. Down 12-3 at the half, the Bears scored 24 straight points. Walter Payton ran through the Bucs defense like swiss cheese. After the game, Steve DeBerg renounced God...believing no higher power could let a human suffer in this manner.
Week 6: Chicago 26, San Francisco 10
In a rematch of the previous season's NFC Championship Game, the Bears crushed the Niners. Dan Hampton could not be stopped...he was so dominant that he even had one of his 97 knee surgeries during halftime just to show the Niners that he could play on one knee. He used his one leg to kick Randy Cross in the face before using his mind power to tackle Roger Craig.
Week 7: Chicago 23, Green Bay 7
After spotting the Packers an early touchdown, the Bears defense turned Lynn Dickey and friends into sliced cheese. William Perry would score the first of his touchdowns in 1985 by taking a toss and bolting 97 yards for a touchdown. Well, actually, it was from the 1 yard line...but, whatever...you get the point. The Yale-educated Gary Fencik hit Packers receivers so often that he used the time to recite each line of the Magna Carta. By the end of the game, Phillip Epps was well versed in early English law.
Week 8: Chicago 27, Minnesota 9
Otis Wilson was known for his numerous female conquests. On this day, his greatness on the field was so dominant that he actually impregnated 16 women at Soldier Field just due to his presence.
Week 9: Chicago 16, Green Bay 10
The Packers gave the Bears a stiff test, but Walter Payton would prove to be the difference. Sweetness ran for 192 yards in the Lambeau mud. At one point, Payton flew over the Packers defensive line and was carried by angels into the end zone.
Week 10: Chicago 24, Detroit 3
In a miserable windy and rainy Soldier Field, the Bears ran all over a small Lions squad. Eric Hipple would start the game and execute his patented 'Oh My God They're Coming After Me' draw play on several occassions...this is where he'd take the snap, run left, run right, and bolt back 20 yards and cry for his life.
Week 11: Chicago 44, Dallas 0
The 7-3 Cowboys were humiliated on national television for their worst loss in franchise history. Danny White and Gary Hogeboom were knocked out of the game....twice...each. After three quarters, the Cowboys started punting on first down. Ed 'Too Tall' Jones was so frightened by the Bears' running attack, that he shrunk six inches by the end of the game.
Week 12: Chicago 36, Atlanta 0
Mike Archer was one of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history. We're talking Jonathan Quinn bad. Now imagine Jonathan Quinn meets Todd Collins meets the '85 Bears defense. The Falcons offense consisted of handoffs to Gerald Riggs for two yards. Riggs would dive forward and pray that Perry would put his nuts in his face...which Perry would do 17 times before the game ended.
Week 13: Miami 38, Chicago 24
This game never happened.
Week 14: Chicago 17, Indianapolis 10
The Bears were still stung by what was apparently, and we can't confirm this, a loss to Miami. Mike Pagel was certain his Colts could grab an upset...then he realized that he was Mike Pagel.
Week 15: Chicago 19, N.Y. Jets 6
The playoff-bound Jets needed a victory at home to sew up a playoff spot. The Bears would deny this when Ken O'Brien's mustache reverted back into his skin from the deep fear that Richard Dent would rip it off. Dent wouldn't accept this skin tactic, and actually pulled the mustache back out...just to rip it out.
Week 16: Chicago 37, Detroit 17
NFC Divisional Playoff: Chicago 21, NY Giants 0
NFC Championship Game: Chicago 24, LA Rams 0
Dieter Brock was the first Dieter to play in an NFC Championship Game. He would also be the last. Come to think of it, nobody knows if he survived the game. Rest in peace Dieter.
Super Bowl XX: Chicago 46, New England 10