It's official! The New York Giants and New England Patriots are going to lock horns for the World's Championship of Professional Football. For this Super Bowl we'll just call it the 'Two Really Obnoxious and Annoying East Coast Fan Bases Yelling at Each Other for Two Weeks." Sound good? You know what sounds better? My award-winning horoscope article!
Aries (3/21-4/19) While the girl with the tight jeans is hot...the fact that she just said 'Osi Umenyiora' correctly is even hotter.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) Apparently the numbness from burning your left thumb from the 'Great Queso Dip Debacle of 2003' won't be enough to stop you from the 'I Can't Believe You Didn't Remember the Great Queso Dip Debacle of 2003 and Burnt Another Finger Debacle of 2012.'
Gemini (5/21-6/21) Tom Brady reminds you of that really hot guy from high school that once made out with you under the bleachers and you thought that he really liked you...but then he left to date that slut Karla Starr. And then she didn't even make it out of that damn town, got pregnant at 19 with the owner of a local tavern, was caught in a meth lab...Good...Good for Karla Starr..Bad things happen to bad people...wait...yeah...the week looks good. So, yeah. Have a good week.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) Trust me...it's a screen pass.
Leo (7/23-8/22) The good news? Ray Lewis won't kill you at this Super Bowl. The bad news? There will be other Super Bowls.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) You find out this week that girls find it creepy when you take off their clothes and say 'He Could. Go. All. The. Way.' How the first 13 girls you dated didn't let you know that??? You have no idea.
Libra (9/23-10/23) While your John Facenda NFL Films impersonation is impeccable, displaying it during your first parent-teacher conference wasn't the best idea.
Scorpio (10/24-11/21) You can't believe it's been 26 years since the Bears won the Super Bowl...and you also can't believe it's the 26th straight year you're going to pretend its 1986 and that the Bears just won the Super Bowl.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) If you're asking at 9 p.m., "I can't believe nobody ate my fruitcake!" Then you should probably never be invited to a football party again.
Capricorn (12/22-2/19) You might get invited to a Super Bowl party where a guy asks you where Brandon Jacobs went to school. You won't know the answer. Then, the man is going to jump in your face and scream, 'SIU, Baby! Woo!' If you find these sentences frightening, then don't come to my Super Bowl party.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) You might find your glass half-empty or half-full. This week, it will be more half-empty. But that's every week since half your money goes to gambling, anyway.
Pisces (2/19-3/20)New opportunities might arise when you least expect it. And if you consider washing the dishes at your friends' Super Bowl party 'the opportunity', you're dead right.