Your 2012 Personalized Chicago Tough Horoscope

Your 2012 Personalized Chicago Tough Horoscope

It's been a fun year here at Chicago Tough...we were threatened with legal action, received threatening e-mails, and...hey!  We got into the RedEye on a weekly basis!  (Every Tuesday, by the way, in case you didn't know.)

We also lost relatives, close friends, and even brought in a new addition (Yes, baby Fiona is awesome).

While things have gotten a bit sluggish here over the past two weeks, we've still been hard at work for our 2012 annual horoscopes.  That's right...a horoscope for your full year.  Does anybody else do this?  No.  Why?  Probably because they don't have the type of machinery, statistical, and star data that we have on site.  That's right...this is Theo-like SABR generated horoscope. 

Without further ado, here are the Horoscopes for 2012:

Aries (3/21-4/19) Your spouse thought it was silly when you demonstrated your well-known duck calling expertise.  The entire community will see it as brilliant when you use it as a distracting device during a penalty shot in the Western Conference Finals.  In September, expect a new job on the horizon.  It will be something involving a paycheck subject to mass deductions in taxation and health care.  Your lucky numbers are 6, 13, 21, 85

Taurus (4/20-5/20) February will be filled with strife when your capsized tanker threatens wildlife throughout Lake Superior.  This will be subdued when the spill is blamed on a design flaw...that design being the new 'vortex bottle' which dumped too much alcohol into your system while you steered the ship into an Upper Peninsula bridge.  April will bring baseball, picnics, and the odd arrival of a small child from the woman of a waitress at a local Chuck E. Cheese that you happened to attend for a nephew's birthday party.  Watch out for December!  Because it looks like snow!  Lucky numbers: 17,46,40,41

Gemini (5/21-6/21) 2012 marks a new beginning for Gemini!  Three big things are life changers!  1) They'll let you purchase a 'mobility scooter' even if you're under 50. 2) You totally dominate in the world of 'mobility scooter basketball' at the Mayfield Senior Life Center. 3) Being the best player on a 'mobility scooter basketball league' lands you any and all hot chicks over 60.  Lucky Numbers: 3, 77, 81, 87

Cancer (6/22-7/22) The winds will come from the west, the sun will rise in the east, and the rains will come hard in March!  Your stocks will plummet in April, your significant other betrays you in May, and a mid-season losing streak by the Cubs and White Sox forces you to rob a liquor store in Norridge.  Rehab will come in August.  Sadly, none of this will excite you more than the realization that McDonald's is bringing back the Monopoly game one last time.  Lucky Numbers: 10,23,31,41

Leo (7/23-8/22) 2012 is a banner year for Leo!  However, an unfortunate event in your neighborhood forces you to sue the makers of 'Crocodile Mile'.  From now on the commercials will have to say 'you run, you slide, you hit a bump, and take a dive that may or may not result in multiple life-threatening injuries to people that may or may not have been participating in your block party'.  Lucky Numbers: 6 and 24

Virgo (8/23-9/22) Perseverance is the word for Virgo's in 2012!  This will be the first time that you'll be able to successfully drain all 26 paychecks through scratch-offs, cigarettes, and alcohol.  Better yet?  Your wife's attorney won't even need these stats to get custody of the children!  Lucky Numbers: 24, 47, 99

Libra (9/23-10/23) Experience new beginnings in April.  May is a good month, too!  June will have its ups and downs.  July looks to be filled with festive parties and galas.  August looks like that relationship you've been thinking about with that guy in accounting might finally take off!  Which will be just in time for an awesome September...when you're maimed to death by bears.  Lucky numbers: 14, 75, 56

Scorpio (10/24-11/21)  March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb for Scorpio!  Unfortunately, April goes in like Red Holzman and comes out like Stan Albeck.  May gets worse when you use the previous reference in a board meeting and it goes over like a lead balloon leading to your removal from the board of trustees.  The remainder of the year gives little hope when you find out the job market isn't looking for 'men over 30 who make reference to little known basketball coaches for personal life parallels'.  Lucky Numbers: 70, 73, 85, 86

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)  2012 is a year of hope for Sagittarius!  Hope that 2013 can be much, much better.  Lucky Numbers: 0

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) It's just another year for Capricorns.  Marital status, job status, housing status, family status...they all remain the same.  But you start a popular new hash on Twitter, create a 27 step outline article for the show 'Perfect Strangers' on wikipedia, and start a popular Facebook page for crepe makers.  Yeah, right...just another year, my ass!  Lucky Numbers: 13, 27, 55

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) You will coach a collegiate football program that violates no NCAA rules, graduates all of its students, and features no molestation of youths.  Be prepared to be fired in December.  Lucky Numbers; 25, 68

Pisces (2/19-3/20) It's a great year for Pisces when they receive notification from a local Chicago blogger that the world is going to end on October 12th, 2012.  2012 horoscopes mean nothing to them!  Bwahahahhaah Bwahahahahaaha.  Lucky Numbers:  n/a

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  • When this started with "your spouse" I immediately concluded that you reached the fork in the road, and instead of taking it, jumped on the trolley to Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.

    Besides you being a few numbers short for buying PowerBall (at least fortune cookies usually provide 6), I've said for predictions similar to the Pisces one that it was like the guy who predicted that the world would end 3 times in 2011--if that prediction is ever right, we will never know.

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