CHICAGO - Two days before his normal arrival, Jesus of Nazareth ignored reports from his father to arrive on December 25th and became one of thousands looking to purchase new Air Jordans.
In line at the Nike Store at 85th and Cottage Grove, a babe showed up in swaddling clothes...laying in a manger before hundreds of people looking for the new Air Jordans.
"I'm sure that baby over there thinks he's gonna be all cute and steal one of my shoes," stated Hanover Park resident James Cattrell. "But I swear to God I'll knock him out!"
Instead of arriving with blaring trumpets and in golden chariots, baby Jesus stuck to his plan of showing up with humility and grace...but that didn't stop many people from taunting the young baby as it took up a large space in line.
"Somebody move that damn baby!" shouted Mark Thompson of Orland Park. "I can't see the sliding doors I plan on breaking through...how am I supposed to stomp over 10 people when I have this crib in front of me?!"
When the doors opened at midnight, baby Jesus was shoved out of the way in anger. Mary and Joseph, who were only wearing gowns and sandals, were battered in dirtied...and that's when baby Jesus decided to take things into his own hands.
"Don't worry, guys...I got this," said a determined savior. In an amazing turn of events, the hours hold infant lifted himself into the air and began walking on people in front of him. As he approached the new stack of Air Jordans, Jesus grabbed the remainder, stepped over the remaining populace, and checked into register 6 for a whopping purchase of $41, 735.52.
"Put it on my card," stated the newborn savior. When the baby didn't give Mary Argol of Bronzeville a card for the purchase, she pressed Jesus for more questions.
"And where is this card you speak of?"
Then, Jesus pointed to the heavens and the register cashed out...printed out was a blank receipt, and the lights shut down in the complex.
In the parking lot, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph grabbed their belongings and proceeded to poor areas in the Chicago area and dispersed the shoes to children who put it on their Christmas list.
When he was finished, Jesus returned to the Nike Store and raised two people shot in the parking lot back from the dead.
When questioned by several stunned people in the parking lot of his identification, the infant replied, "He is I, and I am Him, slim with the tilted brim."
"Wait..what?" said Harold Givens of Cicero.
"I'm Jesus...dear Lord...I should just go back home."
Shaking his head, the savior disappeared into the night.
36 people were injured in the melee. Michael Jordan was not made available for comment.