Jim Schwartz Totally that Douchebag Coach from 80s Movies Trying to Stop Attractive Quarterback from Living Basic High School Life

Jim Schwartz Totally that Douchebag Coach from 80s Movies Trying to Stop Attractive Quarterback from Living Basic High School Life

DETROIT - It started with a smirk and ended with a scowl.

It was in these few seconds that hundreds of Americans conquered message boards to let loose what has been long suspected...that Detroit Lions head coach Jim Schwartz is totally that douchebag coach from 80s movies trying to stop that attractive quarterback from living a basic high school life and/or being tougher and/or not focusing on football enough.

"I can't tell if it's that whispy facial hair he's trying to grow, or that semi-tough guy look he tries to throw down on people," stated Bears blogger Jeff Ordzinski.  "But I do know that he's somewhere between Craig T. Nelson in 'All the Right Moves' and that jerk in 'Wildcats'...wait...that was the one with Goldie Hawn, right?  Not Goldie Hawn.  She's not a jerk.  She's fine.  Really hot in the late 60s...kind of rode out that fame a little too far.  Or was that Melanie Griffith?  Which one was married to Mel Gibson?  Or am I thinking of a movie?  Why am I all of a sudden thinking of Goldie Hawn?  Wildcats, right?  Oh, yeah.  Jim Schwartz.  Yeah.  Total douchebag."

One thing that seemed to unify people's perceptions of Schwartz was his muscular build and 'you wanna f--- with me?' face.

"I think I actually met him in the 1980s," remarked Jim Bozko of Palatine.  "He was our football coach and he used to walk up to people in the hallway and bump his chest up against theirs and asked them 'are you tough enough?'  Sometimes, he'd grab them from behind, push them in close and whisper in their ear.  You know, really abruptly....wait...wow...okay...yeah...I never put that together...yeah, he definitely enjoyed that physical contact with other men.  But he loved lifting weights with the guys and getting in their face.  He also rode a motorcycle and challenged kids picking up smokes at the convenience store to fistfights in the parking lot.  Above all, yes...he was a douche."

If any group could peg Schwartz the best, it would be the famed Armitage Talent Agency in Chicago.  After observing the demonstrative Lions coach on Sunday, head talent scout Abigail Griffin had a strong review.

"If we were to cast him, he'd either be a 1980s head football coach trying to get on his quarterback...or he'd be that guy with the really good job and nice car who mysteriously found himself at a college house party...you know, the guy who backs some girl in the corner and gives her his business card and then has to 'take a really important phone call' that usually only lasts five minutes and somehow he comes back with news that he has to leave in the morning...but he somehow connives the girl into going to Steak n' Shake...you know, to 'get to know her better.'  This is before he goes on a drive to a rural area where they have a long talk and start getting...well...intimate.  This is when his character stabs the girl and puts her in his trunk.  It's his 17th victim and nobody knows.  Soooo...yeah.  He's one of the two."

Another thing that unified all postings from people across America is that they definitely came across a 'Jim Schwartz' type at their local gym.

"He always looked like he wanted to fight me," stated a man in Maine who chose to have his identity kept secret.  "If you took his spot on the lat machine after he had done only 1 of his 3 reps, he'd snap at you; give you some long look.  He was the type of guy who would spray his face with water on the treadmill, then shake his head like a dog and not really give a damn that his sweat and water just sprayed all over you.  And if you mentioned it, he'd stare you down.  I also saw the same guy at the bar trying to make fun of anybody who came in that didn't fit up to his standard.  He's still got the same friends from high school, the same bar, and he occasionally does some blow with his friends in the bathroom stall...then they go looking for a fight.  The night usually ends with him nailing somebody under 21....not that I've ever followed him at night anywhere...but that's him...he's also kind of like some high school football coach from the 1980s who tries to stop that attractive quarterback like...I don't know...Tom Cruise-Rob Lowe type from having some basic high school life because he wants them to focus on football more, or the playbook more."

As time goes by, the public will get to learn more about the young Lions coach.  However, it's going to be tough for some people to change their minds.

"Once you see somebody as a particular thing, it's tough to give it up," stated Griffin. "You never have a second chance to make a first impression, as they say...and when you're first impression is that you're a douche...well...that's not good."



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  • ha ha I have alot of friends who are lions fans i'm going to post this on my facebook page.

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