Cubs President Theo Epstein Can't &*$#n Believe that Hendry Left the Bad Coffee Maker

Cubs President Theo Epstein Can't &*$#n Believe that Hendry Left the Bad Coffee Maker
You call this a f'n coffee maker?

CHICAGO - "You gotta be f----n kidding me!"

New Chicago Cubs President Theo Epstein noticed late Tuesday that his new office and break room were left with only one coffee maker...and it was not the one that Epstein inquired about on the tour.

"I remember vividly walking into that break room.  So, I see this coffee maker and I think to myself, 'A Keurig!  With the different flavors!'  You might not think that's a big deal, but it is...especially you see that they've got a king size basket of flavors.  There must have been a selection of over 300 flavors.  I mean, it was pretty impressive.  So, I'm fumbling around for a couple seconds during a break in my interview...and I notice something...they had this flavor, it was like 'Chocolate Truffle/Blueberry Surprise'.  I was going to taste that shit.  I couldn't stop thinking about it on my way back to Boston.  Hell, I kind of moved my family cross country just so I could taste it.  And now...I just can't f&*%n believe this."

When Epstein arrived, the break room reflected more of what a 20-something hipster might find in an abandoned studio apartment in Ukranian Village rather than what a President of Baseball Operations might find. 

Hendry left a cracked Mr. Coffee coffee maker from 1985 that makes two cups of coffee at a time, a 1979 Frigidaire adorned with a random Ivan DeJesus fridge magnet, and a stray dog named 'Ruffles'. 

Ruffles apparently was left by former Cubs General Manager Dallas Green after an argument with Billy Connors in 1985.  Green stole Ruffles from Connors' home and never told the former Cubs pitching coach.  Green had nowhere to put the dog, so he just let the dog wander around Wrigley offices...in future years, people just became used to Ruffles.  However, Ruffles is not growing on Epstein.

"We're shooting the dog," said Epstein.  "We said we're bringing change and we're bringing it...after we clean the fridge."

A new fridge was taken along with the new coffee maker, according to sources close to the team.  An older fridge, one reportedly left by the Wrigley family themselves, was reinstalled. 

"Who left this?  The freezer when I came here was packed with Edy's...you open the door to this fridge and it smells like 1979.  I saw nothing but soy sauce packets, mustard, two Old Styles, and I think somebody thought it was okay to leave a broken bat from Omar Moreno in here...this place sucks."

The wholesale changes that have been promised by new Cubs brass will go into effect immediately...however, the earliest changes will probably be seen in the Cubs' main offices.

"Total overhaul," said Epstein.  "You can bet I'm going to purchase the nicest coffee maker out there.  The nicest refrigerator.  I want top of the line vending machines...but I think I'm going to keep that Omar Moreno broken bat, that's kind of cool."

The Cubs new offices are expected to be completely refurbished by December 1.

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