Aries March 21-April 19
Revenge will be yours this week when it's the dog's homework that winds up being eaten.
Taurus April 20-May 20
You find out this week that the local furniture store's claim that 'everything must go' does not mean the hot cashier from aisle 12.
Gemini May 21-June 21
Years of scholarly respect will be erased during a dinner club arrangement when you state that you thought 'The Battle of the Bulge' was an autobiography by Valerie Bertinelli.
Cancer June 22-July 22
Trust me, you'll want to take the life preserver and flares with you.
Leo July 23-August 22
Realization of past scars will come back this week in the form of a replay of the 1986 NFC Divisional Playoff when replays repeatedly show Lew Barnes dropping a punt that leads to a Redskins touchdown.
Virgo August 23-September 22
Officers will clearly see you've had too much to drink when you replace saying the ABC's backwards with a listing of Montreal Canadiens championship years.
Libra September 23-October 23
With Venus lining up with Mars expect a hot love streak to meet you this weekend. Unfortunately the 'hot' are pancakes and the 'love streak' is nothing more than the dripping syrup.
Scorpio October 24-November 21
Nietzsche's claim that 'God is dead' is discarded when you find a mini baseball helmet filled with vanilla ice cream.
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
It was a black 98 Camaro with the license plate WRT 5637
Capricorn December 22-January 19
As a responsible adult, you won't drive home drunk. Too bad your bicycle will be no match for oncoming traffic.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
You will discover this week the final lost chapter of the bible. It will be unnerving when you realize it's nothing more than a Choose Your Own Adventure compilation.
Pisces February 19-March 20
Having a soundtrack to your life sounds like a great idea...until God gives you non-stop Hall and Oates.