Jay Cutler Tells Close Friends After the Game that He Just 'Fell Down the Stairs'

Jay Cutler Tells Close Friends After the Game that He Just 'Fell Down the Stairs'

DETROIT - Drinking in a local establishment with former classmates, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler fended off questions about numerous cuts, scrapes, and bruises on his body.

"Oh, these?" said a surprised Cutler after pointing to a large bruise on his neck.  "This is nothing.  I just...I, uh...I fell down the stairs.  You know, I'm just...I'm so clumsy sometimes...anyways, how you guys doin?!  Ray, you still gonna start that firm in Nashville?"

Concerned friends of Cutler believe that the gunslinger is denying the physical relationship he currently has with his offensive line.  Like many battered women, Cutler is starting to believe that he deserves the punishment.

"You know, it's not that they don't love me.  I'm just...I sit in the pocket too long...I'll throw some bad interceptions...my feet aren't moving...if I just tried harder, you know, I wouldn't get beat up so much.  When you think about all of that, I kind of deserve it.  Plus, they usually ask me to make pancakes in the morning before practice, and, you know, I kind of forgot and used the banana nut recipe, and, well, you know.  Plus, I burnt the toast.  They don't block well for me after things like that, but, like I said...I probably deserve it."

Many friends, like former Vanderbilt classmate Terri Borders, has been very concerned regarding comments Cutler has made to her and her family.

"He was over for a dinner a couple weeks back and he kept talking about how his offensive line really loved him, and how they would never do anything to betray him, and that sometimes he doesn't get everything clean enough when they make him wash their cars, and...it just went on and on.  The relationship sounds a bit abusive."

Cutler has told friends multiple times that he 'just fell down the stairs' or 'the iron just slipped out of my hands' or 'I was in a grocery store and a 300 pound defensive lineman sat on my face'.  All of these show signs of a beaten relationship.

"I remember when they first met," stated lifelong pal Gary Worthington.  "They would say nice things to him, buy him nice stuff.  Then, they just kept demanding more from him the more they gave.  They give him chores...and if he doesn't do it right they have him sacked.  It's horrible."

Many friends think Cutler should ask to be traded to get out of the physical relationship, but Cutler will have none of it.

"What would I do if I left?  They'd find me.  They'd kill me.  I can't leave.  They need me.  Besides, I'm happy here.  Really, really happy here.  Really, really happy."

Cutler's voice trailed off as the pain in his eyes mounted.

The Bears are scheduled to play the Minnesota Vikings next week.


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  • Bringing battered women into a joke to make a point about football. SO appropriate (not) during Domestic Violence Awareness month.

  • I love this post! #Funny

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