CHICAGO - After six games, the Chicago Bears are 3-3. Between the six games, the Bears have revealed multiple personalities that have troubled many local psychologists.
In order to resolve the issue, the Bears headed to a local therapist to find out who they really are.
"I'm not saying that it's a personality disorder," stated renowned psychologist Dr. Henry Thornton. "But I will state that nobody has a (expl) clue what's going on."
The Bears have played in six games that have featured six specific ways of winning and losing; something that troubles Thornton greatly.
"They beat Atlanta in the 'Everything is Perfect' game, lost to New Orleans in the 'Duck and Cover' game, lost to Green Bay in the 'I Can't Even Believe We're On The Same Field as These Guys' game, beat Carolina in the 'We Have No Business Winning this Game' game, lost to Detroit in the 'Blocking Optional' game, and now they beat Minnesota in the 'We're not Sure if We're Good or They Suck' game. Trying to find a personality out of that is going to be tough."
While the Bears showed up at Thornton's office with a multitude of questions, the psychologist did provide some answers.
"We know that they can't run block...but now they can. We know they can't pass protect...well they did...then they didn't...then the qb almost died...now they can again. Let's see (fumbling through papers)...Roy Williams can't catch, now he can. Hester is making stupid decisions, scoring touchdowns. Cutler looks uncomfortable, now he's comfortable. The tight ends can't block...now they can. Wait, I swear there was something here..."
The list grew longer.
"The safeties are horrible, now they're better. Linebackers are voiding gap responsibilities...then they weren't...then they were...now I'm not sure...hold on...ah! Defensive line hasn't gotten to the quarterback! That's the...shit...I forgot about Sunday...hold on."
"Adam Podelesh isn't punting well, now he is...Martz will only stick to seven step drops, now he won't...hold on...I swear I had a list of things that were consistent. A-ha!"
After a thorough six hour evaluation, Thornton found five easy facts that haven't changed.
"Let's see...Matt Forte is good...Robbie Gould is good...Lovie likes timeouts...and challenges...challenges that cost timeouts...and...Matt Forte is good...oh, yeah! Virginia McCaskey is old. There! Okay...this could take a while."
The Bears will be seeing Dr. Thornton once a week for the next 10+ weeks to see if they can find anything consistent. Until then, Thornton has put the Bears on 24 hour supervision.
"I need to see how they're doing at all times," stated Thornton. "The people runing the show keep changing every week."
The Bears face Tampa Bay at noon on Sunday.
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