ST. LOUIS - The St. Louis Cardinals baseball team celebrated it's wild card victory by doing what they do best: getting drunk.
"We're not a team with two drug related deaths, a manager with a DUI, a repeat offender of alcohol abuse who plays shortstop, and various other drug and alcohol issues over the past 10 years for no reason. God put us here to push celebration to a new limit. It's time to get drunk and drive, bro!"
The Cardinals flew back to St. Louis late Wednesday, hoping to spend time around family and friends. Players whooped it up at Shannon's, a restaurant owned by Cardinals colour man Mike Shannon; a popular hangout for players. In the restuarant's bar area, players proceeded to throw their keys into a bowl to see which car they'd take home. Keys were taken from sober people at the restaurant to make sure that the lubricated Cardinals players could drive violently back home.
"If I see all of you in the morning, I'm gonna be one depressed man!" exclaimed an inebriated Tony LaRussa. "We need to have somebody to rally around in the postseason...you know...one of those patches we can wear with somebody's number. That never fails to rally a team!"
Amidst the drunken howls and clanging glasses of the evening, players set aside time to go over various routes back to their homes.
"You want to go through a fairly rural place," stated Cardinals second baseman Ryan Theriot. "That way, if a cop pulls you over, you won't get in trouble. These small redneck towns see a Cardinal and they 'bout crap their pants! It's our best way of getting out of trouble...plus, if you fall asleep at the wheel you can just pull over and nobody will see you."
What's even more odd for onlookers is the fact that some Cardinals seem to be looking forward to a possible tragedy.
"Think about it," said Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter. "If somebody dies, and god forbid that happens, but let's just say something happens...you get to hang a jersey up in a dugout, the fans drop off flowers...hell, MLB might even give us a day off, and, I tell you what...after how intense this pennant race has been we could use some time to re-set our rotation, you know? People make those cute little celebrations outside; flowers, pictures, the whole nine yards. Then you get the player patch, which goes next to the playoff patch...did I tell you I love patches? I love patches. Not sure why."
The Cardinals have seen two pitchers pass away over the past 10 years, a former hitting coach drink himself to death, various players being pulled over for DUI...plus they went out in free agency and got one of the biggest problem drinkers in MLB: Rafael Furcal.
"I consider this drive home not to be troubling...but a challenge," said the veteran shortstop. "Today is a day of celebration, but tonight is going to be a time of focus. I've had some problems in the past...and for me to get down I-55 and not get pulled over...that will be tough, but I'll see what I can do. It's been a comeback year for me, and I think if I'm patient tonight I can avoid trouble."
At time of press, no arrests have been made.
(All articles on Chicago Tough are not true...and the fact that I had to put this disclaimer on here is irritating...but you can blame Stacey King for that.)