INDIANAPOLIS - Late Tuesday, doctors at St. Vincent Hospital in Indianapolis found the culprit of Peyton Manning's neck pain.
After multiple evaluations from several doctors throughout the country, Dr. Henry Froman made a stunning discovery.
"When we got the x-rays back, we noticed something lodged between his scalene and sternocleidomastoid muscles. At first, we thought that it might be a metal pin...something from an older surgery...but the closer we looked, it was obvious. It's obviously a small ship carrying a very young and dapper Dennis Quaid. Actually, the 1987 version of Dennis Quaid."
In a press release, the 1987 Quaid sounded worried. He stated "I was injected into some quarterback...I guess he's got this Marino plus Montana like ability...Peyton Manning? I was injected during sleep by a doctor friend of mine. During the injection, the doctor was shot. Our goal is to find the man who has the remainder of our drugs to make sure that my oxygen is filled. If it isn't found, I could die in here...or we could just start filming Innerspace 2. If I'm stuck here, we might as well do something productive...If not, this could be the end. Tell Meg (Ryan) that I love her. Tell everybody that I think Gorbachev means well and that Reagan will wind up doing what's best for the country...and tell them that answering machines are the future...the future!"
The current day Dennis Quaid was stunned by the developments.
"I'm not really sure how this happened. I only thought they made one syringe...I...wait...that was a movie. Right? Innerspace wasn't real, right?"
One suspect is struggling actor Martin Short. The former SNL cast member has been seen running around Hollywood with a script for 'Innerspace 2: Back Inside for More Laughs'.
"Oh, that's silly! To think I did this?!" exclaimed an exasperated Short. "Listen, Innerspace was one of the best movies of the late 1980's. It was a commentary on modern space travel, the greediness of mankind...plus, it was a parallel for cold war slavery that the American people were subject to from 1946 to present day. It was so good, that I think that doing 'Innerspace 2: Back Inside for More Laughs' would be a great venture for any producer. But that's besides the point. The point is that we have a 1987 version of Dennis Quaid stuck inside the greatest quarterback of all-time. This is a problem...that's unless we use this time to film 'Innerspace 2: Back Inside for More Laughs,' a romantic comedy by Martin Short...but, yes...I hope they get them out. I hope they get him o---hey, did his agent call? Tell him 'Shorty' wants to talk with him."
"The goal is to find the man who did this so we can remedy the situation," said Dr. Froman. "Time is of the essence. A ship lodged without oxygen will leave Dennis there forever...we'd lose the greatest quarterback of all-time, plus a very attractive man who makes any romantic comedy worthwhile. With his slight tan and golden eyes. Just the thought of him coming behind you and placing his hand on your shoul--Sorry...We just need to get Dennis out of there."
Manning will be missing the first game of the season...but if Quaid remains, he could be out for the season.
"I'm trying to talk to him," stated the 1987 Quaid. "Problem is the only thing in his head are audibles. Just lots and lots of audibles."
Another press release is expected tomorrow.