1. "Fine group of young men."
Any adversity that follows a collegiate football program prompts coaches to use terms such as above. And every time it makes me want to hurl or jack hammer my nether regions.
This isn't the f'n armed forces. It's football. Men aren't dying here. I understand the parallels between war and football in terminology; the impossible denial of relation between the rehabilitation of American men in World Wars I and II and using the football field as a form of male therapy...trust me. I get it. Read the book. Loved it. Then, I wrote the book. So...once again...don't go there.
But using adverse situations, like the ones at Notre Dame or Ohio State...ones that were completely preventable by the adults in the room, but weren't...and turning those into some Us vs. Them proposition is so shallow and insulting. It makes me to think that coaches and administrators feel they can just turn our minds off if they just find the right key.
Unfortunately, this bullshoi works on a majority of rednecks dedicated to their local football squad. For me, it just makes me want to ralph. The speech normally goes like this: "How these young men will handle this adversity will define who they will be for the rest of their lives. And we here at (insert school) believe in our university's singleness of promise and hope. We believe these men will take this issue and turn it into a strength. We understand that we represent the university inside and outside of the classroom. And one thing we don't do...is we don't waiver. We don't waiver from each other's side. (pending on school, you can insert some BS statement about God that has no point in being in this speech)
Gotta love it.
2. Lee Corso and the mascot head
Listen, you might be thinking, 'oh god, I'm over it...it's so old.' That's fine. I just happen to live in a world where if a man over the age of 70 gives a football prediction and then proceeds to tell me who he picked by wearing a life-sized mascot head, then I'm going to laugh my ass off. And I do. Every time. I've even focused very hard on not laughing, and it didn't work. Yes, I'm 30.
3. Notre Dame hate
Who doesn't love to hate Notre Dame? That's about as American as apple pie. Plus, this year you get all of the hideous remnants from the Floyd DUI saga, the Sullivan passing, players being questioned for rape...the fun just goes on for hours these days.
I've always enjoyed Notre Dame football, but I get more joy out of people wanting them to lose so badly that watching Notre Dame win makes them sick...did that just make sense? I get joy out of other people's pain...there you go. Remember that last point and carry it with you whenever you read anything at this site ever again. Good.
4. Keith Jackson drinking lemonade at his home while being interviewed about some random tailback tandem from the 1970's during a Big Ten Network 'Best of' video shoot.
Some people wish they could interview Oprah or Prince William...I want Keith Jackson.
I want Keith Jackson on a warm sunny day...drinking lemonade, underneath a tree...and he's talking about Jack Trudeau, Tony Eason, or Chuck Long...which Big Ten quarterback from the 980's would he start his team with? Keith hemms and hawws...time doesn't exist while we sit in the shade. It's just me, Keith, and lemonade. I think some men want Jessica Alba...I want this.
5. Games all day
From 11 a.m. until the wee hours of Sunday morning, college football dominates the television on Saturdays. Anytime, anywhere. The fact that I can just turn on my TV on Saturday and football will appear before me makes me happy to be alive. The only thing closer is when I come across a box of crackers and a slab of cheese. (And yes, there have been times when Saturday football has met my cheese/cracker combo...and to say the moment was glorious is an understatement and an insult to anything deemed a 'moment'.)
6. How is Northwestern going to attract more fans?
I just wait for this discussion to come up on the radio. Why? Because I love topics on radio shows that don't have answers. The fact is Northwestern will never sell out their field with just their own fans. It isn't going to happen. Ryan Field holds the amount of seats it should. That's it. And you know what? Who cares! The topic should be about Northwestern winning and competing! And if they can do that...then who cares?
I think I just made myself angry debating a radio show topic that isn't going to truly be a topic for another month.
7. Joe Paterno's glasses getting darker
I think JoePa's glasses get darker every year on purpose. Somebody's trying to hide something. You can't see his eyes. He might be controlled by robots. Why do I have this sneaky feeling that if you saw his bare back, you would find an electrical slot with a logo stating 'Best Wishes, Class of 1993'?
8. Another year that the Michigan Wolverines suck at football
Seriously, America. Rejoice. Seriously, rejoice. (loud curses) those guys. (repeat)
9. Blankets, fire, football
When the weather sits between 45 and 60, and all you want to do is snuggle in and watch some football while drinking some hot tea, listening to Joni Mitchell's 'Blue', and leisurely playing solitaire...wait.
I meant the first thing, not the other three. Never the other three. Never.
10. Watching college football for the entire season and then realizing how ridiculous it is that a playoff doesn't exist.
I get sucked in every year. College football is boatloads of fun...then you slowly begin to realize that this wonderful journey of a season is ultimately leading nowhere. Then it's back to the jackhammer.
It reminds me of guys who talk about how much they loved their college life: Being single, going to bars, stupid fights, etc. Then, you go back over homecoming, you try drinking from 9 a.m. or so...and you find out your body can't handle it. You're older, the girls aren't interested, you spend more time trying to get your 'stupid-drunk' friend from getting into a stupid fight, the food at the dingy diner you used to go to doesn't taste the same. Nothing's the same.
That's college football. It's a game that houses your childhood: Rocket Ismail, Ty Detmer, Tyrone Wheatley, Andre Rison, Michael Irvin, Tim Brown. You got fooled into loving it at a young age. Then, every January 1st, you wonder why....
It always ends with a thud. Maybe they'll want to look into that whole playoff thing sometime. Heard it works in some other sports.