DOVER - Police discovered the body of New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan at a Famous Footwear in Dover, New Jersey late Monday.
The Jets head master was seen small-talking with various women in the store. Ryan assisted them with purchases and helped them try on shoes. After four women let Ryan try on different pairs, the head coach went into a back room and buried himself in piles of unopened women's gym shoes.
Ryan was found in a pool of drool, basted in Nike LunarGlides.
"It seems that Ryan's fetish with women's feet have led him to this point," stated Dover investigator Jerry Anastuzio. "I hope his enablers know that his addiction got the best of him."
Ryan drove 13 miles from New York Jets' training facilities in Florham Park to the closest Famous Footwear. Word is that Ryan didn't want to be seen amongst men who may recognize him...so he wore a mustache and patrolled the female section; hoping women wouldn't recognize him.
"I was just giving him the mustache and wig because I thought it made him happier," stated Jets linebacker Bart Scott. "Anything for coach. I knew when he started asking for it more than once a week, it was starting to become a problem. You can't just waltz into a Famous Footwear if you have a foot fetish. That's like the West Side of foot fetish places. Don't go...because you don't know!"
"At least he went out the way he wanted to," said Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez. "I remember he used to spend an awful lot of time studying my footwork. Running the tape back and forth...once I noticed him looking at it in the facility after 2 a.m. I needed to pick something up, and he locked himself in this room...had his shirt off...anyway, let's not go there. I just know that he died in a pile of women's shoes. We all wish we could go out that way...well, not in a pile of women's shoes...but around the people we love...even though shoes aren't people...but they were to Rex...I'm going to stop talking."
In honor of the tragic passing, NFL commissioner stated on Tuesday that all NFL officials will wear Foot Locker uniforms for the first week of the season.