CHICAGO - It's that time of the year again.
Thousands of fans of Chicago's baseball squads convened at U.S. Cellular Field Monday night to fulfill their annual quest: to come up with as many stereotypes of the opposing fanbase as possible.
"Yeah, when they're not driving their Ferrari's or sipping lattes, they're involved in billion dollar money scandals...like that Madoff guy...yeah, they're pretty much destroying America," opined Sam Carlo of Cicero.
"Those are the fans with pit bulls in their backyard...not fenced in," stated Jim Whitmore of Northbrook. "You see that guy over there? He's probably homeless. Owns various guns. Lives in a trailer...but still has enough money for the multi-channel cable package...probably stealing welfare."
Jim Anzelone of Crete told CT, "I betcha I walk in and one of those Cubs guys walks up to me and asks me to shine his shoes. That's normal. You see, us Sox fans work for a livin'. These guys? They don't work. They're just living off the land off the backs of the bruised."
Tom Peters of Palatine: "I once saw a man at old Comiskey Park shoot another fan for not
Gary Webster of South Shore: "Man, I saw two Cubs fans making out. They were both male. You know, that's close to Boystown. All those Cubs fans like each other...you know that, right? They're all gay. I heard that after games the White Sox have fireworks, and the Cubs have 1/2 price tickets to Funny Girl."
Barry Boone of Antioch: "Most Sox fans don't have a high school education. They've been working in Gary in those steel factories. All they know is the White Sox and breaking and entering...and they don't know dentists...mainly because they kill dentists...for drugs. And they like to shoot kids."
Jim O'Bannon of Beverly: "Well, we're true fans. We don't show up to the game just to drink beer and have a good time. Our fans actually know the game and we're devoted to our team! Except for that time from 1995-1999 when we completely quit on the franchise...but you know what I mean."
Terry Taylor of Evanston: "You know Sox fans were the ones who killed Lyman Bostock, right?"
Gary Mills of Joliet: "Ah, they got their fancy 'Wrigleyville' crap. We've just got a ball stadium and real fans. Not some busty hussies running around the bleachers lookin' for a screw."
James Pickett of Fox Lake: "I can't wait to go to the Cell for the Cubs/Sox series. It's always interesting to see how many over-300 pound female White Sox fans I can find...usually somewhere around 200."
Tom Evans of Homewood: "They've still got pitching mounds in play at Wrigley. What is this 1922? Maybe if they had a real team they'd get a real bullpen. Go Sox!"
Charles Burt of Vernon Hills: "We've got a manual scoreboard because our fans can actually add. They've got fireworks so those peasants can 'ooh and ahh' at every bright colors those lemmings see."
Cut. Paste. Same things. Every year.