CHICAGO- Only days after sending U.S. Special Forces to Pakistan to kill terrorist Osama Bin Ladin, U.S. President Barack Obama tried to disrupt a baseball game in the same manner.
U.S. Special Operations flew two helicopters above U.S. Cellular Field during the ninth inning of Francisco Liriano's no-hitter against the White Sox. Unfortunately for Obama and all White Sox fans, the plan was plucked before the helicopters could land.
"I was sipping champagne with Hillary (Clinton) in the war room when I decided to turn on the
Sox game. Hillary and I were watching Liriano mow down White Sox hitters, and I just thought to myself...well, you know what...f--- it. I'm the President!"
A special call was made to Great Lakes Naval Base in North Chicago where only a couple helicopters resided. The troops tried to make it before the final out.
However, shortly after the helicopters arrival, Adam Dunn lined out to Minnesota Twins shortstop Matt Tolbert for the final out giving the southpaw his first no-hitter.
Obama's plan was thwarted.
"I guess this whole Osama thing has gone to my head. For instance, we have a vending machine in the West Wing...they got rid of Twizzlers. So, I just called the special ops, they took down the vending guy, and, guess what? I've got Twizzlers now. And they even posted them at .75 instead $1.00"
Obama's insertion of special ops forces for personal needs has stretched further than Twizzlers and baseball.
"He's slowly getting out of control," stated White House press secretary Jay Carney. "Yesterday he sent the guys out to Philly for authentic cheese steak. Tonight he told me that he's thinking of sending the guys to the Atlanta Hawks' dressing room to 'send a message' to Joe Johnson. We're trying to tell him that these aren't to be used just for his pleasure."
After the no-hitter was complete, Obama reportedly considered sending Special Ops to Kenny Williams' house. The delivery would contain a goat's head and a note stating, "I really can't deal with watching Brent Morel every night!"
Fortunately, the President changed his mind.
Liriano's no-hitter was the first of the 2011 baseball season. It was also the first complete game of his career.
Obama does not plan on using the Special Forces for sporting events in the future.
(Disclaimer: The above article is not true...and if you think so...get your head scanned.)