Aries (3/21-4/19) An ambitious streak will unfortunately hit you as soon as you reach the 90/94 split during rush hour leading to a 500 car pileup.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) You never thought that Vanessa Williams' 'Save the Best for Last' would be background music to a knife fight in Humboldt Park, but, alas.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) Keeping your nose to the grindstone will provide rewards later in the week. But it will also stick the unfortunate smell of grindstone in your nasal cavity for years.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) Career and ambition are thwarted today by family realities...and your unfortunate cocaine addiction.
Leo (7/23-8/22) Your parallel between your department's workforce and the cast of The Breakfast Club comes to a halt when your employer hires a person of color.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) The theory of evolution is disproven this week when Justin Bieber signs another million dollar contract.
Libra (9/23-10/22) Stay focused on long range goals this week. An ice sculpture of Emmanuel Lewis doesn't just happen overnight.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) Being a parent will require more than violence this week. Although, it may require a machete.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) A penny saved will be a penny earned. And it will be one more penny not going to UNICEF.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) You may have to answer the call of your country this week when the Supreme Court needs the foremost expert on the 1987 season of Charles in Charge.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) It's important to know your limits...especially when your son needs to be picked up at 6 pm from basketball practice, you drunk!
Pisces (2/19-3/20) One of life's questions is answered when you realize it wasn't 'Murder, She Wrote', but it was actually 'Trapper John, M.D.' that won the 1986 Emmy for Best Drama.