Your Weekly Horoscope (March 28-April 3)

Your Weekly Horoscope (March 28-April 3)

Aries (3/21-4/19) An ambitious streak will unfortunately hit you as soon as you reach the 90/94 split during rush hour leading to a 500 car pileup.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) You never thought that Vanessa Williams' 'Save the Best for Last' would be background music to a knife fight in Humboldt Park, but, alas.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) Keeping your nose to the grindstone will provide rewards later in the week.  But it will also stick the unfortunate smell of grindstone in your nasal cavity for years.

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I see a reprise of the show 'Webster' on the horizon!

Cancer (6/22-7/22) Career and ambition are thwarted today by family realities...and your unfortunate cocaine addiction.

Leo (7/23-8/22) Your parallel between your department's workforce and the cast of The Breakfast Club comes to a halt when your employer hires a person of color.

Virgo (8/23-9/22) The theory of evolution is disproven this week when Justin Bieber signs another million dollar contract.

Libra (9/23-10/22) Stay focused on long range goals this week.  An ice sculpture of Emmanuel Lewis doesn't just happen overnight.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) Being a parent will require more than violence this week.  Although, it may require a machete.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) A penny saved will be a penny earned.  And it will be one more penny not going to UNICEF.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) You may have to answer the call of your country this week when the Supreme Court needs the foremost expert on the 1987 season of Charles in Charge.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) It's important to know your limits...especially when your son needs to be picked up at 6 pm from basketball practice, you drunk!

Pisces (2/19-3/20) One of life's questions is answered when you realize it wasn't 'Murder, She Wrote', but it was actually 'Trapper John, M.D.' that won the 1986 Emmy for Best Drama.

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