Super Bowl I: The Green Bay Packers defeat the Kansas City Chiefs 35-10 in a decisive victory for the supreme National Football League. In the post-game, Vince Lombardi states that he is 'humbled by the unselfish play of his team'. Lombardi then proceeds to state that he demands the trophy be named after himself.
Super Bowl II: The Oakland Raiders try to defeat the Green Bay Packers in January 1968 with 'flower power'. The Raiders lose when the Packers unveil their game plan of 'power power'.
Super Bowl III: The Baltimore Colts are stunned by the AFL's New York Jets when Colts defensive end Bubba Smith leaves the team at half time to write Police Academy 1.
Super Bowl IV: Minnesota's Viking mascot blows his horn leading an actual Norse tribe to invade the field and stab the majority of Minnesota's team. The Vikings would lose 23-7.
Super Bowl V: Dallas Cowboys head coach Tom Landry refuses to call plays in the second half after losing his fedora at halftime. The Colts win 16-13.
Super Bowl VI: The Miami Dolphins are stunned in the pre-game by a conservatively dressed Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader group. The cheerleaders arrive in pant suits...The Cowboys win 24-3.
Super Bowl VII: The Miami Dolphins defeat the Washington Redskins 14-7 completing a perfect 17-0 season. After the game, the Dolphins players promise to spend the next 50 years being the most egotistical, self-serving jackasses in NFL history.
Super Bowl VIII: Dolphins players discover the Vikings playbook at the Watergate Hotel in Washington D.C. Don Shula is impeached seven months later.
Super Bowl IX: Due to the Superdome's delayed construction, the game is held at frigid and rainy Tulane Stadium. Old, crusty sportswriters complain about the conditions and agree to spend the next 36 years bitching about being at the Super Bowl.
Super Bowl X: Pittsburgh's Lynn Swann makes three miraculous catches to lead the Steelers to a 21-17 victory over Dallas. To this day, they are the only three catches to have been made in slow motion.
Super Bowl XI: Oakland Raiders head coach John Madden leads the Raiders to a 32-14 victory over the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings were ill-prepared for Madden's continual stopping of the game to circle what Vikings players did on the previous play.
Super Bowl XII: Jean Claude van Damme is sent to the arena to stop terrorists from blowing up the Superdome. When it's discovered that van Damme...oh. Wait. Sorry. That was the movie 'Sudden Death'.
Super Bowl XIII: Hall of Fame tight end Jackie Smith of the Dallas Cowboys drops a crucial touchdown in the end zone, en route to Pittsburgh's 35-31 victory. Smith makes history after the dropped ball to become the first on-field suicide in NFL history.
Super Bowl XIV: The Pittsburgh Steelers come from behind to beat the Los Angeles Rams 31-19. After the game, Terry Bradshaw states that he will retire sometime in the next three years and then do some halftime commentary where he promises to stumble through every highlight he gives.
Super Bowl XV: Philadelphia Eagles field master Dick Vermeil becomes the only coach in NFL history to cry through an entire Super Bowl.
Super Bowl XVI: The first Super Bowl held in Detroit. The NFL changes its weeklong celebration name from 'Super Bowl Week' to 'Shit, We're Stuck Here for a Week Week'.
Super Bowl XVII: At the half of Super Bowl XVII between the Washington Redskins and Miami Dolphins, Bob Seger becomes the first musician to be lit on fire during a half time show
prompting an standing ovation from the fans.
Super Bowl XVIII: Celebrations erupt spontaneously across America as Joe Theismann is pummeled for four quarters by the LA Raiders.
Super Bowl XIX: The Miami Dolphins lose to the San Francisco 49ers 38-16 after seven missed field goals by Finkel...who is later known as Einhorn.
Super Bowl XX: Tony Eason dies.
Super Bowl XXI: John Elway of the Denver Broncos is approached by Disney reps to film a quick commercial stating, "I'm going to Disney World...right after I lose three more Super Bowls!"
Super Bowl XXII: Doug Williams of the Washington Redskins becomes the first black quarterback to win a Super Bowl. More amazingly, he accomplished the feat with Jesse Jackson standing by him on the field for the entire game.
Super Bowl XXIII: Quantum Leap's Scott Bakula takes over the body of Joe Montana to lead the 49ers to a 20-16 victory over the Cincinnati Bengals...all because Ziggy really can't stand the Bengals.
Super Bowl XXIV: The 49ers wallop Denver 55-10. The Niners defense is stunned by John Elway's pre-snap calls of "Blue 42, Blue 42, this is a hand off to Bobby Humphrey...hike!"
Super Bowl XXV: The New York Giants defeat the Buffalo Bills 20-19 stench of Buffaloans pushes Scott Norwood's 47 yard field goal to the right.
Super Bowl XXVI: The Buffalo Bills fall to the Washington Redskins when their famous "Punt Eight Times" game plan backfires.
Super Bowl XXVII: The Dallas Cowboys defeat the Buffalo Bills 52-17. The game is mainly remembered for Don Beebe's forced fumble of a non-aware Leon Lett in what would later be known by the NAACP as 'the most racist play in NFL history'.
Super Bowl XXVIII: The Dallas Cowboys defeat the Buffalo Bills after trailing 13-6 at halftime. The Cowboys are revitalized by a halftime gangbang at Nate Newton's house.
Super Bowl XXIX: The San Francisco 49ers throttle the San Diego Chargers 49-26. NBC's Jim Gray ruins the postgame festivities by urging MVP Steve Young that now would be a really
good time to admit that he bet on baseball.
Super Bowl XXX: Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Neil O'Donnel mistakens Dallas defensive back Larry Brown as his 40 year old father playing catch with him in his backyard.
Super Bowl XXXI: After the Green Bay Packers Super Bowl victory, Wisconsin hospitals are inundated with tens of thousands of male Packers fans that tried to lift their 500 pound cheese curd eating wives in celebration.
Super Bowl XXXII: The Denver Broncos defeat the Green Bay Packers when God decided that he was really tired of talking to Reggie White.
Super Bowl XXXIII: The Broncos repeat as champions over the Atlanta Falcons. Falcons safety is caught with a prostitute the day after accepting an award as NFL's Man of the Year...I actually don't need a joke for that one.
Super Bowl XXXIV: The St. Louis Rams win the Super Bowl helping Leonard Little become the first NFL player to kill a family after speeding on a highway. Little celebrates by never apologizing to the family.
Super Bowl XXXV: The Baltimore Ravens win the Super Bowl after Ray Lewis tries to one-up Leonard Little's feat by being accused of a double murder. Lewis would later find God after discovering him inside a 5 million dollar check from Ravens management.
Super Bowl XXXVI: The New England Patriots stun the St. Louis Rams in one of the biggest upsets in Super Bowl history. Adam Vinatieri kicks the game winning field goal becoming the first kicker to ever matter in NFL history.
Super Bowl XXXVII: The Oakland Raiders defensive playground philosophy of a 'Six one-thousand rush' backfires as Tampa routs Oakland.
Super Bowl XXXVIII: The Patriots defeat the Carolina Panthers in the first Super Bowl where the groundscrew refuses to paint all of the roman numerals unless they are paid overtime.
Super Bowl XXXIX: The Patriots defeat the Philadelphia Eagles when a jelly donut stain blocks multiple play calls on Andy Reid's game chart.
Super Bowl XL: The Pittsburgh Steelers win their fifth Super Bowl when Hines Ward's 57 varieties confuse the Seahawks defense.
Super Bowl XLI: The Indianapolis Colts defeat the Chicago Bears with their brilliant "Go Deep and Find the Area Where Daniealle Manning Should Be and I'll Throw You the Ball for a Touchdown" offensive gameplan.
Super Bowl XLII: The New York Giants end the New England Patriots' undefeated season. The victory doesn't stop Bostonites from being the most annoying sports fans in the history of civilization.
Super Bowl XLIII: The Pittsburgh Steelers win their sixth Super Bowl in a thrilling victory over the Arizona Cardinals. Steelers quarterback refuses to answer questions on media day only stating that, "If you look over 18, I'm in room 273 at the Hyatt".
Super Bowl XLIV: The New Orleans Saints defeat the Indianapolis Colts for their first Super Bowl victory. The win promptly revitalizes New Orleans' low-income neighborhoods, reverses the left over flood waters, and brings all New Orleans businesses out of debt.