TOMAHAWK, WI- Meredith Wolski of Tomahawk tried valiantly late Tuesday to fit into her Mossy Oak Break Up jacket and pant combo.
It was soon after that Tomahawk authorities found the 350 pound Wolski out of breath on her bedroom floor.
"We hear this all the time," cited Tomahawk police chief Ralph Simmons. "The women here are always trying to fit into the 5XL when they're obviously a 6XL. It's sad...but, you know, they get these gifts for their birthday back when they're a size lighter, then the holidays come, and you get to eatin' a couple of those cheese wheels, and boom!"
Authorities found the 45 year old Wolski with her camo pants half on, and clutching a copy of Bob Seger's Greatest Hits. Just outside her outstretched arms was a bucket of Merkts cheese. Police felt that Wolski believed this could be her demise.
"From what we could tell, I think she thought this might be the end. She had two loves in her life: Seger and cheese. And obviously Miller Lite. Lots and lots of Miller Lite."
Wolski's room was littered with empty beer cans and discarded sausage wrappers. But what authorities found under the bed proved to be even more troubling.
"You know, you expect to find some weird things when you come into a place like this, but...I don't think you ever expect to see a Randy Wright blow-up doll. Just sayin'."
Wolski's husband Jerry Wolski was stunned to hear of his wife's troubles.
"She was really trying hard to lose weight. We had her down to a 12 pack of Miller, one cheese wheel, and small doses of knockwurst. This was a woman of sacrifice. We're all praying for her."
Wolski was rushed to Sacred Heart hospital where she was put on a strict diet of water and beer nuts. Wolski did not regain consciousness until her husband arrived with the sounds of her favorite cackling whitetail deer antlers and duck call.
"It wasn't a surprise to me," beamed the thankful Jerry Wolski. "All you gotta do to get her in bed is some antlers, a call, a 12 pack of miller, and Seger's 'Still the Same'...she'll get on top of you in 30 seconds. Well...it used to be 30 seconds. More like 40 now...she's kind of havin' trouble getting that second leg over...but...you get the picture."
Hospital workers in Tomahawk state that Wolski is now in stable condition. Dr. James Skorich was upbeat in his evaluation.
"We feel she should be ready to go by the weekend. Even better, I think that she'll be back in that 5XL in two weeks...if she lays off the Miller. Come to think of it she might wanna grab that 6XL."
Meredith Wolski's planned day of release is early Sunday.
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