HEAVEN- Philadelphia Eagles quarterback and convicted dog fighting organizer Michael Vick received the pardon he always wanted.
Last night, Vick threw for four touchdowns and ran for two touchdowns en route to the Eagles 59-28 thrashing of the Washington Redskins.
Late yesterday evening, God parted the clouds and informed Michael Vick that his years of running an illegal dog fighting ring have now been lifted from heaven's records.
The following is an electronic message that was sent from God to Vick after the quarterback's six touchdown performance:
"Dawg, wuddup! It's the G-Man! Hey, way to shut em down Mr. 7!
Michael, we've been watching you from the heavens. Paul and I saw your 88 yard touchdown pass to DeSean Jackson. That was sweet, man. I mean, you hit him in stride; it was the
perfect throw. Oh, and when you scampered in for your second score, most of the saints and disciples in heaven were losing their halos. St. Paul and I were chillin' during the half and he was saying that he couldn't even remember the fact that you provided Bad News Kennelz with the majority of money for gambling. I mean, at one point it was 35-0! I turned to Moses and said 'This is unbelievable. It's a driving rainstorm out there and this guy is throwing lasers.' Moses gets up, throws his fantasy football paperwork on the floor and walks off. Apparently, Melchisedech had Vick in his weekly matchup. Moses blew a 30 point lead. Melchy then changed his team name to 'These Tablets Don't Break'. Moses isn't handling the whole thing well...anyway...like I was saying...the pass to Maclin sealed it for me. I was looking at my records and reviewing your execution of underperforming dogs and obscene torture, and...well...I mean, just look at that throw! I mean that was a rope! A qb rating of 150.7, are you kidding me?! Torture, schmorture; you have a f...sorry, you have a flipping gun. And the whole gambling thing? Shucks. Peter and I were placing wages on when Moses was going to start breaking things in two. I won. Got me some free Denny's. Anyways, it says here something about participating in the hanging and drowning of six dogs. Listen, Mike...we can't have this...we just can't have this. What I need for you to do is to promise me that you won't do anything like this again. Okay? Good. Good. Now, just make sure you repay your creditors...i don't want to have to put you back in the red again, okay? Damn. God, you're good. Four passing touchdowns, two running touchdowns. Unreal. Well, I just wanted to thank you for all of the entertainment that you have provided. Paul and I really enjoy your work. Man, you're like the new Gale Sayers! Did you think of that? He had six touchdowns in the mud, you had six touchdowns in the rain...only Gale didn't kill dogs, fund a multi-state dog fighting ring, and let drugs to be freely dealt in exchange for bets. Well...at least as we know. And I know everything! I'm God!
Once again, thanks for the memories!
p.s. If you see Moses...run! That SOB is p'd! LOL!"