Chicago Tough Horoscope (10/27-11/2)

Aries (March 21-April 19) You are feeling able to cope with whatever comes across your path.  This will come in handy, later today, when the police interrogate you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)  Your partner brings a fresh sense of purpose to a difficult situation. However, it may be too late...considering all the kids have been murdered.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)   Use the strengths of co-workers to accomplish projects today.  This will be integral considering your #1 project today is the company picnic 'tug-o-war' competition.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)  Remove feelings from an argument by taking time to breathe.  Bud don't take long; this is when your husband likes to throw that right jab.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)  Take time for yourself first thing in the morning.  This should be easier considering your husband is chained to the bed.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)  Take the group to a restaurant that serves a variety of cuisines. Try Golden Corral.  It will feel good to be the skinniest people there.

The fortune teller says you should get a job...and to come to terms with a 6-10 Bears team.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)  You feel like you've been put on the spot by a sibling or friend. Try moving around the situation.  This will be tough, considering you just spun 'left leg blue', and your stuck on 'left leg red'.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)  Your mind may be on food all day.  Try thinking of something else you fat SOB.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)  Your recipe for today includes extra rations of compassion. Which doesn't help anybody in the concentration camp, considering everybody would like rations of food.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)  Devote maximum attention to your favorite person's desire-of-the-moment. This will improve your friendship...and threaten your marriage.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Spend time today providing for the needs of others. And it involves helping humans, not giving bread to geese you unemployed loser.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)  If you split your attention now, you seem to get a lot more done. But, seriously, come back.  Come back, here.  Don't split it now...later...Ensuing punchline.  Come back, the punchline is coming.  Oh, F off!

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