Aries (March 21-April 19) You are feeling able to cope with whatever comes across your path. This will come in handy, later today, when the police interrogate you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Your partner brings a fresh sense of purpose to a difficult situation. However, it may be too late...considering all the kids have been murdered.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) Use the strengths of co-workers to accomplish projects today. This will be integral considering your #1 project today is the company picnic 'tug-o-war' competition.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) Remove feelings from an argument by taking time to breathe. Bud don't take long; this is when your husband likes to throw that right jab.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Take time for yourself first thing in the morning. This should be easier considering your husband is chained to the bed.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Take the group to a restaurant that serves a variety of cuisines. Try Golden Corral. It will feel good to be the skinniest people there.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) You feel like you've been put on the spot by a sibling or friend. Try moving around the situation. This will be tough, considering you just spun 'left leg blue', and your stuck on 'left leg red'.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Your mind may be on food all day. Try thinking of something else you fat SOB.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Your recipe for today includes extra rations of compassion. Which doesn't help anybody in the concentration camp, considering everybody would like rations of food.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Devote maximum attention to your favorite person's desire-of-the-moment. This will improve your friendship...and threaten your marriage.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Spend time today providing for the needs of others. And it involves helping humans, not giving bread to geese you unemployed loser.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) If you split your attention now, you seem to get a lot more done. But, seriously, come back. Come back, here. Don't split it now...later...Ensuing punchline. Come back, the punchline is coming. Oh, F off!