33 of Shawn Kemp's Kids Found in Chilean Mine

OUTSIDE SANTIAGO- 33 of former basketball star Shawn Kemp's illegitimate children were found alive, last night, in a small town outside of Santiago, Chile. 

The children, with ages ranging from 2 to 20, were without food or water.

"We heard that when child support payments were not being made, Kemp flew the kids to Chile to work as underground miners to help pay off his debts," stated Carabineros de Chile Captain Miguel Enterada.


What kids? What are you talkin' about?

Kemp was found in a bar by authorities, and immediately deported to the United States for further questioning. 

During initial interviews, Kemp reportedly stated that he thought sending the kids to Chile would work because "...with the recent rescue mission of Chilean miners dominating the news, nobody would ever think that another 33 miners would be stuck in a mine."

Many of the children only made one day underground before collapsing due to exhaustion.  Kemp never thought to bring food or water to assist his children. 

"You think I needed water to stop Barkley in the '93 conference finals?  No, I needed defense!  I needed quick feet and I needed to hold my ground!" boomed an indignant Kemp.

When Kemp realized that the children may need some sustenance, Kemp lowered marshmallows and Old Style into the mine.

The former Seattle SuperSonics superstar reportedly gave a motivational speech that was copied from a letter that he received from George Karl.  Kemp gave the speech before sending his children into the mine.

"He said something about how we needed to trust Eddie Johnson, or something," stated Emmanuel Kemp; a 16 year old child of Shawn Kemp. 

Prior to Kemp sending the children to Chile, the former hardwood star was guilty of missing child support payments dating back to 2002.  His 12-year old daughter Latrice Simpson has nothing but anger towards the former hoopster.

"Last year, he stopped by on my birthday to drop off a My Little Pony and a carton of Merits.  He kept sayin', "Happy 18th, girl!" Then, he promised me that I'd be taking a plane to Disney World.  When I got off the plane, I looked around and saw the signs for Chile.  Before going in the mine, he gave me a Mickey Mouse doll and told me 'Welcome to your new magic kingdom!'"

Authorities were puzzled at how Kemp was able to pay for the flight of 33 kids to Chile.  Reportedly, Kemp bought stock in Starbucks while playing in Seattle.  Kemp has sold the majority of the stock over the past three years to pay lawyer fees; but kept just enough for this trip.

Kemp has been denied bail, and is scheduled for a hearing within the next three days.


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