ELMWOOD PARK- John Dooley, an aspiring writer from Elmwood Park, found himself amidst one of his darker hours on Sunday afternoon.

"We were just sitting around cooking some Polish and Italian.  I turned to talk to my wife, and before you know it a sausage had somehow rolled over.  Mollie and I were talking about next weekend.  I wasn't sure if I was going to go golfing or visit some old friends.  Then this weird smell came up...It was horrible."

Dooley burst into tears as he relived the loss.


Six sausages of separation

"I looked in and saw this charred sausage.  Burnt to a crisp.  The other sausages were fine, thank God, but...the little guy didn't make it. "The sausage was so young.  They pack them so fresh.  I remember getting the pack at the Jewel.  You know...all six...just sitting next to each other.  They were such a happy family.  You know the feeling when you look at the family at the end of the street and you just say to yourself, 'Man, that's one great family.  Look at them!  They've got all their crap together.  Great parents.  Nice kids.  They've got that nice deck with the swing sets.  The dad even made a tree house.  I wish we were like that.'  That's how I felt about the sausages.  It was the perfect pack of sausages.  On the perfect day.  And now the six Italian sausages can no longer be with each other.  Mollie and I will probably have four sausages tonight.  Then only one remains for lunches tomorrow.  You see that?!  You see that?!"

The problem of the leftover sausage brought Dooley to his knees.

"When you buy the six pack, you expect to eat four sausages.  Then you have two remaining for the following day.  That way both sausages can be shared between the wife and yourself.  It's the perfect resolution to a Monday lunch.  What's the last thing you want to do on Monday morning?  You're so busy getting everything ready.  Just as you're about to get out the front door, it hits you. "Shit!  I forgot to pack a lunch."  But in my above situation, you don't have to make much.  You just grab the sausage, some chips, and grab a drink at work.  Problem solved.  But we lost the sixth sausage.  We lost the sixth sausage...and we'll never get it back.  Now my wife and I have to fight over the final can that be good for a marriage...fighting for a leftover sausage...just because one perished in flames."

Services for Benny the Italian Sausage will be held on Tuesday evening in Elmwood Park.  Tuesday evening is the only available evening since Wednesday morning is the day the garbage gets picked up.

Benny is survived by his five brothers, all unnamed.  His purchaser, John Dooley, is 29.  Flowers will be accepted by the family.


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Tags: Elmwood Park, Sausage

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