It's not just another ordinary weekend. The temperatures are a bit warmer, your attitude is getting better, and baseball is around the corner. This is arguably one of the best sports stretches of the year.
Final Four, start of baseball, beginning of basketball and hockey playoffs. Plus, the NFL Draft. No, you're not dreaming. It's like a fine smoked rib.
800-900 am The Three Stooges, AMC
Larry hits Curly and Curly retaliates by hitting Moe. Unfortunately, Moe doesn't see that it was Curly and punches Larry in the face. Larry takes a pie and throws it in Curly's face. Moe then takes a liquid and shoots it at Moe, but Moe ducks. The spray hits a lady. The wait staff enters. Many people fall. Many pies are thrown. Many people get punched. Laughs ensue...and repeat cycle. It's early, you're groggy, it works.
900am-930am Motor Week, WYIN
So, WYIN has this new show. You see it's about motors. It's a new show. Might as well give it a shot. If not, bring the kids over and watch a cartoon. Win/Win.
930am-1000am Family Feud, Game Show Network
"Let's play the feeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuud." Nothing like rednecks making stupid jokes, and grandmothers wanting to kiss the host...goes well with breakfast.
1000am-1030am 3-2-1 Penguins, NBC
If you have kids, they need to be appeased. 3-2-1 Penguins is a show that reminds you of the times in college you would wake up after a drinking binge and stare at the TV for almost an hour. Just imagine if they had something like 3-2-1 Penguins back then. How trippy would that be? Nowadays, you can just sit back with your kids and wonder what hippy thought of this ridiculous show.
Not a parent? Try 'Bully Beatdown' on MTV. They beat-up bullies. Nothing like it.
1030am-1100am Horsepower TV, Spike
They take a Dodge Challenger and turb charge the sucker. Not to mention I love the Dodge Challenger, I'd like to see how they turbo charge the thing. Start the grill. Lunch time.
1100am-1130am Tim McCarver Show, CBS
Yeah, I know. I hate Tim McCarver just as much as the next guy. However, this show he's talking with Yogi Berra and Don Larsen. And it's almost baseball season...you'll need this show to help you get in the mood.
1130am-1200pm The Soup E!
All those reality shows and talk shows your wife watches that you can't stand? They make fun of them, here. It's hilarious. And it will calm you after your wife berates you about not picking up your socks and putting them in the hamper.
1200pm-100pm Being John Daly, Golf Channel
So, John Daly is a washed up golfer who struggles with drug addiction and alcoholism. He's a really good guy, and after watching this show you'll find him to be more likeable. The guy goes through a lot of crap, but has some fun while doing it. He's a joker and a trooper. You'll enjoy this. Do a load of laundry. You need to be somewhat helpful today. Play with the dog, get outside for two seconds.
100pm-200pm How Stuff Works, Discovery Channel
One hour of how beer is made. What goes into that Old Style? You sure it's not the blood of God mixed with mountain water? These people might be lying.
200pm-300pm WEC Wreck Cage, Versus
World Extreme Cagefighting. Or as many men call it 'bonding time with the son.'
300pm-400pm Extreme Pig Outs
Apparently, many shows have to have the word 'extreme'. This show will show the world's largest burgers/pizza/burritos. It's a good show to get you hungry...and on the grill.
400pm-500pm Santa Anita Derby, NBC
Remember that old guy you used to talk to at the bus stop? He always had a racing guide. Ready to make the picks of the day. You would always talk about how you wanted to get into horse racing, but you never did. Now's the chance. Start of the season, pick some ponies. Flip some bets...It'll be a nice warm up before the night's big games.
500pm-800pm Butler vs. Michigan State,CBS
They should probably play the game at Hinkle Fieldhouse. Butler will lose this game. Tom Izzo is a genius. Take the money you won on the Derby and put it on the Spartan. You will be rewarded.
800pm-1130pm Duke vs. West Virginia, CBS
It's easy to hate Duke. West Virginia is more athletic and plays the game with reckless abandon. Duke depends too much on the 3-ball, and West Virginia guards the outside game well. (Hear this you rednecks ripping my post on West Virginia?! I'm picking them to win, so shut your mouth.)
100am-1030am Guy's Big Bite, Food Network
This time The Man With the Greatest Job in America goes to Texas to eat ribs. I will kill this man and take his job.
1030am-1100am Relieve Back Pain, FOX
This is a show about relieving back pain. And you'll need this after all of the odd bending you did to pick up those sausages you slowly cooked on the grill yesterday. A little stretch...and a bend...now breathe.
1100am-1130am House Smarts, NBC
Find out how to correct the crappy job your contractor did.
1130am-200pm Philadelphia Flyers at Detroit Red Wings, NBC
This game is a win/win in my book. The Flyers are the biggest cheap shot team in the NHL. If the Wings win, it's a win for hockey. If the Wings lose, then the Hawks are closer to a division title. Yeah, yeah.
200pm-430pm Calgary Flames at Chicago Blackhawks, NBC
The Hawks have played two solid games in a row. Can they make it three? They better. Beating two Sutters at once always makes me happy...and I'm pretty sure it takes one more year off his moustache's life.
430pm-500pm San Antonio Spurs at Los Angeles Lakers, ABC
Yeah, yeah, I know...NBA hoops. However, it's only for a half hour. The final half hour. The only time in an NBA game that matters. This is only to make conversation with the guys in the office who made the game. Pretend like you saw it.
500pm-600pm Caught on Camera, MSNBC
Bear bites woman, bull runs wild, gorilla meets a toddler. This is going to be good.
600pm-700pm Fantastic Finishes of the 80s and 90s, Big Ten Network
Good memories from your childhood. Entertain your family with a full hour of boring stories.
700pm-800pm What it Means to be a White Sox, WGN
If you're a White Sox fan, this will be a great time to pull up a chair and go through your favorite White Sox memories.
If you're a Cubs fan, just get out the old VHS of Boys of Zimmer. Works like a charm.