CHICAGO - Laurence Holmes' evening show on 670 The Score was brought to a halt when Joe from Glen Ellyn made some bold comments regarding the injury of Brian Campbell.
"The man was skatin' into the boards. His back was to the boards. This guy comes from behind him and pushes him into the boards. This isn't Rollerball. I never saw that movie, but I'd presume the sport would allow such things such as pushing somebody from behind into a board. I just know it featured Chris Klein. There was a ball involved. And some rollers. Anywho, this Ruskie that came up from behind needs to be taught a lesson. I say you bring up some goon and settle this like the old days. Next time we play Washington...if it's next year, or in the playoffs, or if it's in some pre-season game, we're goin' after #8!"
After Tommy's passionate plea for justice, Joe from Glen Ellyn piped in about the pending justice.
"People need to calm down. He got suspended two games. Campbell was off-balance. Ovechkin just gave him a shove. A tiny shove. But he's so strong that Campbell flew into the boards and happened to injure himself. It's like my wife. The other day I gently pushed her down the stairs. Just a gentle push. Yeah, her back was to me. No, there weren't any boards. Just a flight of stairs. Followed by concrete. Extremely hard, punishing concrete. Concrete that lets a woman know that she shouldn't drink the last Pepsi. I worked hard for that Pepsi."
Joe from Glen Ellyn's remarks prompted Larry from Stickney to retort.
"Let me tell you something, if I saw dat Joe from Glen Ellyn down at my bar down here, I'd sock em in da face wit a 9 iron. Den I'd put his head in a vice, and ask what it feels like now to go through what Campbell went true. Dis liddle SOB thinks he can just call into the score? Talkin bout letting dat Commie lady run arount da ice wit dat silly veyzer of his? No way. Not here. Dis is Chicago. I sit in da Tree-hunerd level. Up dayre, we don't care bout nuttin! If somebody's gonna hit me into da boards of da kahnkourse, you better believe he's gonna git it from you know who. It'll be a rata-tat-tat wit dat bozo!"
After this exchange, Laurence Holmes hanged himself.
His replacement will be named in a press conference tomorrow.
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