Well, well, well. Another weekend of yard work. Get those seeds on the lawn! Time to bust out some spring cleaning. Don't have plans? Well, that's why I created a meatball's viewing guide. Remember, we're all part meatball. We hate our inner meatball...and sometimes, we embrace our inner meatball.
8:00 am Shatner's Raw Nerve "Judge Judy", BIO
William Shatner "interviews", and I use that term loosely, random people from the entertainment industry. Shatner spends the half-hour on a love seat interrupting guests and asking them extremely personal questions that nobody should ask.
In one interview (and yes, I have watched) Shatner turned on Kelsey Grammer. Grammer was trying to describe some random statue he brought with him on the show when Shatner blurted out "You hated your father, did you?" These random moments are priceless. Grammer hemmed and hawed for a good five seconds before giving a response. Trust me, watch one and you'll be hooked. Judge Judy is the guest. Fisticuffs may ensue.
8:30 am Russia Today, US
Face it. You're just watching it for the hot Russian chick talking in Russian. Goes well with your morning waffles. Plus, you get free KHL highlights. Who doesn't want to see how Pavel Vorobiev is screwing another franchise?
9:00 am American Originals: Budweiser, CNBC
One hour dedicated to one of the largest beer companies in the United States. Sure, they'll spend the majority of the time waxing poetic about America's hellhole (St.Louis), but what can you do? It's one hour of interesting beer history. Which gets me thinking, if you still drink, 9 am on a Saturday is a good time to start. Have to be anywhere? Good. Crack open a cold one. You deserve it. Just don't tell the wife.
10:00 am Deadliest Catch, Discovery
People are living in constant danger. Every minute has somebody's life teetering on the brink. It's kind of like watching Cristobal Huet.
11:00 am Benson, METV
You haven't watched Benson since 1986. It reminds you of the times when your mom would plop you in front of the TV, keep the remote, lock the cable box, and force you to watch Benson. And no, that didn't happen to me. I loved the 80's.
12:00 pm Philadelphia Flyers vs. Pittsburgh Penguins, NHL Network
Some white trash Flyers player will try to take the head off of some Penguins player. Book it. This is because Philly is hot trash. You'll want to punch your TV.
2:30 pm Missing Rings, "1998 Vikings", NFL Network
You just made the final half hour of the '98 Vikings special. Just in time for Gary Anderson's missed field goal. Which still makes you laugh. You know what else makes you laugh? Watching somebody do a dance called the 'Dirty Bird'. Yes. 1998 did happen.
3:00 pm - 8:00 pm NCAA Tournament, CBS
Butler has Kansas State. Kentucky has West Virginia. The Kentucky/West Virginia game could be the largest collection of white trash rednecks in NCAA Tournament history. West Virginia's mascot is a man in a coonskin cap...and he carries a rifle. He'll have to shoot John Wall for the Mountaineers to have a shot.
8:00 pm - 10:00pm Super Bowl XIII Steelers vs. Cowboys, NFL Network
Original broadcast. Roger Staubach, Terry Bradshaw. Everybody wears less padding. Everybody is smaller and slower. It's also another reminder how much you hated Hollywood Henderson (if you're over 40).
10:00 am - 11:00 am NFL's Top 10 returners, NFL Network.
This is always a fun subject. Until you realize they didn't rate Gale Sayers #1. Time to get on www.nfl.com. Find the 'complaints' e-mail. Begin writing.
11:00 am - 12:00 pm A Bronx Tale, AMC
Yeah, so you came into it an hour late. The Sayers complaint letter was necessary. You forgot how much you loved this movie. A good primer for the day.
12:00 pm - 1:00 pm Godfathers vs. Law, BIO
An hour special about how your cousin's buddy got picked off by some guy that was making a deal with that other guy who worked at that 'meat packing company' whose bookie said owed him $2,000.00.
Okay, well it's not about that...but close.
1:00 pm - 6:00 pm NCAA Tournament, CBS
The Final Four becomes finalized. Time to make up the fact that you selected all four teams correctly.
6:00 pm - 9:00 pm Blackhawks vs. Blue Jackets, Comcast
It can't be worse than Thursday night's game. Plus, it's a back-to-back series. The fists will be flyin'.
9:00 pm - 10:00 pm SportsCentury "Hank Aaron", ESPN Classic
It's about time you revisited the fact that Hank Aaron is still the true home run champion.