INDIANAPOLIS- In an air assault and
ground attack not seen since the D-day invasion of 1944, military forces
converged on NCAA offices late Sunday.
Though many in college basketball know
that each team did not qualify for an at-large or automatic berth; the
military wanted to send the message that they should not be taken lightly
in future years.
"We have a tradition to uphold,"
stated General George W Casey, Jr. "Maybe our records weren't
the best this year, but you have to understand what our forces are going
through. We protect the nation in order for silly events like
the NCAA Tournament to occur. If we're defending the tournament,
then why should we not receive an automatic berth?"
When asked if the military had asked
the directors of the tournament this question, Casey was indignant.
"We shoot first and ask questions
later. This is the NCAA Tournament we're talking about here.
Not some petty grade school basketball tournament."
Comments made by Casey regarding 'petty
grade school basketball tournaments' was found to be most odd considering
the armed forces also destroyed Edward G Winthrop middle school in Birmingham,
Alabama. That assault resulted from a coach's decision to not
play Casey's son in the annual Birmingham Area Public Schools Petty
Grade School Basketball Tournament.
"My son's got a soft touch around
the basket, almost Walton like. And the coach wouldn't play
him! And I don't mean 1986 Walton, I'm talking 1977 Walton.
Outlet pass Walton. How old are you? 29? You don't
even remember. I should shoot you for not knowing how good Walton
was in 1977. Somebody get me a gun."
The Navy couldn't find any rivers
to fit a carrier through safely. So, naval commander Adm. Patrick
Walsh settled for stationing in Lake Erie.
"We're bombing Toledo. We
have no reason. We can't reach Indiana. We're settling
for Toledo. This is where they make the majority of Jeeps.
And, we hate the army, soooo...listen, we did the best we could.
I have an ex-wife that lives here. So...yeah...we're proving
our point. We belong in the tournament...and we're bombing Toledo."
When asked if the offensive would end,
General Casey was defensive.
"What's wrong with continuing this
until the opening games on Thursday? I want them to live in fear.
Plus, nobody knows where Bin Laden really is. He could be in Conseco
Fieldhouse for all we know. Or the area where Conseco Fieldhouse
used to be. We bombed it yesterday. I hate Tyler Hansbrough
with a passion."
The offensive is scheduled to end early
Thursday after a napalm deposit in Evansville.
Filed under: Bill Walton, Humor, NCAA Basketball, NCAA Tournament, Satire, Tyler Hansbrough
Tags: Air Force, Army, Navy, NCAA tournament, NCAA tournament selection, tournament snub
