Power Rankings - Chicago Sports Team Names Edition

In response to this awesome article I just read on Grantland.com, where Zach Lowe ranks the best NBA team names (The Bulls ranked in the top 15 - won't spoil it, but you can read the article here), here is a power rankings in descending order of the best Chicago Sports Team Names.

6. The Chicago Cubs - It pains me to say it, but the Cubs, as lovable as they are, do not necessarily inspire fear in to anybody, either on the field or off.  I mean, I suppose if you came across a Cub in the wild, you might be afraid that its mother was nearby and therefore you were on the verge of being attacked by a Bear, but I mean, c'mon man!  A Cub is cuddly, and lovable and something you might curl up with in bed when you are a small boy, or try to win for your girlfriend at a carnival or perhaps, if you are Seth MacFarlane, turn into Thunder Buddies 4 Life!

5. The Chicago White Sox - They would be ranked higher in terms of best Chicago Sports Uniforms, but in terms of team name, even given it's old school appeal and being one of only two teams in the major sports leagues to be named after an article of clothing (super creative types back in the late 1800's), a White Sock is something you wipe your ass with when you are in college and are out of toilet paper. I mean, c'mon man! A White Sock is something that you only fear if you are going out with a girl for the first time, take off your shoes, and realize there's a hole in the toe or you were wearing only one or your feet smell like hot dumpster juice.  Sorry, Sox fans, but be happy you aren't lower.

4. Chicago Fire - The top four could be shuffled around and I don't think anyone could really argue.  Short of the baseball teams, the rest of the Chicago sports teams are all rock solid, but because its soccer (I like soccer fine, but it's soccer and in Chicago, soccer just doesn't compare to hockey, football, baseball or basketball), it get's dropped to the 4 seed.  Let's talk about the Fire, though.  Mrs. O'Leary's cow started a fire and destroyed Chicago back in 1871, and because of that damn cow and that fire, the city rose from the ashes like the Phoenix, so, kudos for historical relevance.  Fire burns, and as any responsible parent told you when you were a small child, don't touch the stove or you will be burnt, therefore, kudos for fire safety relevance.  Everyone fears fire, except of course Donald Sutherland in Backdraft, which as any responsible Chicagoan knows is one of the best three Chicago Movies ever made, so kudos to pop culture relevance.  And they might have the best jerseys short of the Hawks - this gem with the Chicago flag, is one of my faves.

3. Chicago Bulls - I mean, yeah, they might be ranked a little low for the sheer fact that no one hangs around when a Bull is nearby. Ask anyone who has ever been to Pamplona, the Jackass guys, or Karl Malone/John Stockton, and they'll tell you, "Bulls are scary, bro."  That being said, if you were in a mythical forest and you had a freakish, snorting Bull, with huge horns on one side, and a heaving, foamed at the mouth Bear on the other, which would you be more afraid of?  I think Bears can climb trees and Bulls can't, so by default, you can't escape a Bear, and therefore, I am more afraid of Bears then Bulls.  Its pure science, people.

2. Chicago Bears - See above for rationale, but in all honesty, the Bears are the flagship franchise of the National Football League, and where as MJ and Scottie would be terrifying for a defender on a 2-on-1 fast break, I would rather see them, then look down in a dream, see a football in my hands, then look up and see Mike Singletary, Dan Hampton, Dick Butkus, Brian Urlacher, Mongo McMichael and Julius Peppers barreling down on me.  The Bears are Chicago's second favorite team for now, because of number one (see below), but they will always be fearsome and that's another reason why they beat out the Bulls.

1. Chicago Blackhawks - Arguably the best jersey in all of professional sports, the ability to call them the Blackhawks or the Hawks, two Stanley Cup titles in the last four seasons, a dynamic core of talent, raucous rally's, Jim Cornelieson, J.R, Eddie the Eagle, Kaner, Toewes, Brent Seabrook just named his son SEVEN, and the fact that predatory birds are ridiculously efficient hunters.  Imagine you're walking down a desolate, rural road, and it's kind of hot.  You look up.  What's that?  Uh-oh.  Three circling Hawks.  Jesus.  That's not good.  They're getting lower.  Oh no.  And just like that you only have one eye.  It's a story I've heard a million times.

Anyways, that's what I think, but I am sure people disagree.  Let me know.  I'm curious what people think.  I just know that I'd be a lot more afraid of a damn Bear or Hawk then a Sock.

Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Tags: Chicago, Power, rankings, Sports

Leave a comment