I thought about changing my name this year.
Well, it’s not that cut and dry.
You see, I’m in this weird funk, where I’m always just a little agitated because I’m afraid that nothing is ever going to go right again.
My dad died in October, one day he was sick and then he was just gone. It was totally unexpected and I definitely wasn't ready. In November, my boyfriend dumped me - and I was IN LOVE with him. Sure we had problems, but who doesn’t? I thought he was the one, sadly, he didn't feel the same. In December, I found out that once again I need to have further tests to see if I have cancer. My body feels like it has become a ticking time bomb that I'm just waiting to go off.
So, I guess it’s normal that I’m feeling so adrift. That’s the best word for it, adrift, unmoored, detached. You know when you’re in an elevator and it drops unexpectedly? And your stomach does that light, fluttery thing? That’s what I feel like most of the time. Just this constant sense of being untethered from earth.
I’ve been trying so hard to regain my footing. I've been reading about grief, meditating, praying, doing all the things that usually help me regain my ground, that help me think of things in a different way - but just when I think that I’ve gotten somewhere, something happens that shakes me loose.
Last week, I read this article online, it said that it could tell you if your name was "right" for you. It asked for your birthday and compared it with your given name. My results were bad, very bad: apparently, I was doomed to never be happy. My name and my birthday were at such extreme odds that my life was destined to be difficult and challenging. But there was good news, too: a solution! I could pay $145 and some very smart person would use math to determine a name that would be the more fortuitous for me.
But, for real, 145 bucks is a lot of money. But also for real, shit kept hitting the fan and I couldn't figure out why it kept happening. I kept thinking that there was something to it, I mean, if it was going to fix my life, maybe I should consider it. Honestly, the analysis wasn't wrong, up until now, my life had been pretty challenging and the last three months had been seriously difficult.
Yes, it had been difficult, but it hadn't been all bad.
I had spent so much time with my dad when he was sick and even though it was scary and tense, and he was in really bad shape, we were there with him almost everyday. A lot of people don’t get to spend that much time with their parent when they're ill, or even be there when they die.
And though my heart is tender, my relationship had been full of really good moments as well. Lots of love and laughter, and frankly, had been the best relationship that I had ever had. We just didn’t work out.
Lastly, if I am sick, if I do have cancer, I can beat it. I can fight the fight because I’ve got an amazing support system, full of people who love me.
So despite what the reading said, no one is promised an easy journey - life is what you make it - and even more importantly how you choose to view it.
In the end, it was an easy decision. I could never change my name. My dad picked it out, and he named me after a Beatles song. Our love of the Beatles was something that we shared, and I would never, ever, let that go.
Filed under: Uncategorized