Chicago is currently the love of my life. It’s a city of famous museums, beautiful architecture and lovely parks. Our summers are humid as heck but hey, we have clean and plentiful beaches! This is why my favorite place to go in Chicago has to be Hollywood beach, aka the “gay” beach. There are a plethora of beaches to choose from in our fine city but Hollywood slices the pastrami. Yes, it’s in Edgewater, the parking can be a bit dicey, there are several beaches that are much closer and there’s virtually no chance of me running into my future husband. So why Hollywood beach? Gather ‘round and I shall tell you why!
First and foremost, Hollywood beach is filled with attractive, sleek and oiled men. Count it! Although I’m aware that 98% of them are gayer than Christmas and have no interest in this dizzy dame, it’s always fun to stare at a penis package protruding through nylon. (That was a solid alliteration, high five!) Also, I’m incredibly fair skinned and for the first couple of beach trips I, like a chameleon, camouflage nicely into the sand. No gay man is looking my way and, if they are, I’m just pleased as punch not to be sexualized, thus my insecurities vanish like inhibitions after a martini. Feeling relaxed is a big part of my beach experience; this is why I choose Hollywood.
Montrose beach is super close to my apartment and parking is usually abundant, but I find it difficult to unwind there sometimes. This is mainly due to the cavalcade of children. They are everywhere. They cry, they throw shit at seagulls and Latin teens kick soccer balls that just barely whiz past my cabeza. I have no qualms with children or soccer-ball-wielding-teenagers but not when I’m trying to relax or sleep off a hangover. What about Chicago’s trendiest beach?
North Avenue beach is oozing with douche juice. Perhaps I haven’t given it a fair shake because I’ve only been there once, but it just seems a tad pretentious and touristy. Oh, your name is Chad and you’re from Schaumburg? Beat it, you’re in my sun! Yes, I am a bitch. I’m aware. Sue me if I enjoy resting uninterrupted, well unless a frisbee gently glides next to my towel and I look up to see Chicago Blackhawk, Johnny Oduya staring at me while picking it up, then shorty swing my way.
It’s all a matter of preference I guess. I love this city so very much. There are several other places I love to go to and could have written about but, because the winters here are a bitch and a half and Lake Michigan is at my doorstep, I had to go with a beach - which is, of course, Hollywood beach! See you there fellas.