Go see Tom Cruise in Jack Reacher, or make-out with an octopus? Octopus, please!

Go see Tom Cruise in Jack Reacher, or make-out with an octopus? Octopus, please!

I used to LOVE Tom Cruise. Like, more than E.L. Fudge cookies and coloring books, love. The year was 1989 and the VHS copy of Legend was inserted into our tape player. Ninety minutes later, boom! My mind was blown! Legend’s theatrical release was in 1985 and was directed by Ridley Scott and starred the young, dashing Tom Cruise. It was one of his first roles and I immediately fell in love with him. For those of you aren’t familiar with the cinematic gem that is Legend, it’s basically a mystical love story that involves fairies, goblins, unicorns and demons. Yes, it’s that kind of movie, and yes, I’m a dorkus malorkus for watching it as an adult. Despite his many successes, twenty-three years later, I am officially over Tom Cruise

Perhaps it’s because of the jarring Vanity Fair article I read about him and his controlling behavior toward Katie Holmes? Maybe it’s the Scientology nonsense? Could it be the redundant movie roles he’s been taking? Yes, that’s it!

There is no doubt that Tom Cruise has proven himself as an amazing action star. He does almost all of his own stunts and one could argue the Mission Impossible franchise is epic because of his abilities. He had other action hits, too. Minority Report, War of the Worlds and that shitty one with Cameron Diaz, what was it called? Butt Detective? It doesn’t matter. They're all starting to smush together and become unmemorable.

His new movie, Jack Reacher, portrays Cruise (from the previews) as a bad-ass former military police officer who solves a crime while beating up bad guys along the way. Ha! Ok, let’s be honest here, a 5’5 forty-something man goes on a rampage, kicks some ass and takes some names? Surely you jest, Hollywood! Cruise, you’re not Liam Neeson, so knock it off.

Who’s his agent now? I’d like to know so I can fart in an envelope and mail it to him. I know he tried to prove his acting range by playing the rock legend Stacee Jaxx (barf) in the movie Rock of Ages, but that’s not doing it for me. Personally, I’d like to see him take on a Daniel Day-Lewis-type role. Play someone memorable like Charles Dickens or provide the voice of a magic oven mitt in a Pixar movie. Something different! Challenge yourself for Christ sake. There’s a reason you never won an Oscar, dummy.

Tom Cruise, be the man I fell in love with in the ‘80s and cool it with the action movies for awhile. The only way I will ever see Jack Reacher is if I’m on an eight hour plane ride. Even then, I’d rather chase a Xanax with a glass of wine and pass out drooling on a stranger.





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